AbolishTheDEA.com October 25, 2019

A Drug Warrior in our Midst

by Ballard Quass


Welcome to the DEA Lounge!

Let's hear it for Johnny English and the Band!

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

They've got a lot of nerve, starting their set off with "Quinn the Eskimo" like that.

DRUM LAUGHTER

In the DEA Lounge of all places.

LAUGHTER

Don't they know that the government does not allow improved thinking and expanded consciousness via plants -- the coca leaves included?


Never mind that indigenous South Americans have used them for ages to achieve mental clarity.


Never mind that Sigmund Freud himself achieved prodigious vocational output and thus self-fulfillment via cocaine.

APPLAUSE

Uh-oh. We seem to have a drug warrior in our midst. You've got to realize, madam, that it's absurd to criminalize plants and thereby make a black market and generate all sorts of violence.

APPLAUSE

All I can say is, I hope you're enjoying that Bahama Mama while you're hypocritically trash-talking Mother Nature's plants.

DRUM LAUGHTER

What about Sigmund Freud and cocaine?

Freud was like, "That psychotherapy mumbo jumbo is all well and good for my patients, but I demand REAL treatment in my own life, thank you very much!"

LAUGHTER

But it's funny trying to argue against the fascist drug war on line.

GASP

And I call it fascist advisedly, mind you, because the drug war is nothing but the enforcement of Christian Science with respect to mental states.

APPLAUSE

My name it Thomas de Qunicey, and I'll be here through Friday, or until the United States outlaws criticism of its disgraceful drug war, which could happen any day, considering that the government has already had the chutzpah to outlaw the plants and fungi that grow at our very feet.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

Yes, madam, I'm sure you're very proud of yourself for having given up the vast majority of nature's godsend medicines, but I'll thank you not to make Christian Science the state religion with your anti-scientific drug laws.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

For more groundbreaking anti-drug war essays and comedy, visit AbolishTheDEA.com, preferably before it's outlawed by people like motormouth here.

Yes, of course, madam. Whatever.








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Abolish the DEA image featuring machine-gun-bearing DEA officers enforcing drug law sharia, cracking down on Americans for using Mother Nature's freely offered bounty

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