December 30, 2019

Campfire Stories about America's Drug War

live from Lake Rights-Be-Gone

campfire story about the drug war, live from Lake Rights-Be-Gone COUNSELOR RICK: Kids, gather around, I have a good horror story for you.

KIDS: Oooh!

COUNSELOR RICK: That's right, ears in the full upright position. This one's downright eerie.

Now then, once upon a time, there were these godsend plants that could help people get over depression and conquer loneliness.

ANTOINE: THAT'S not scary!

COUNSELOR RICK: Oh, just you wait, Antoine. See, these plants grew all around us, they were our natural birthright as Earthlings, but then these bigoted people known as "drug warriors" decided that these plants were somehow evil.

GWYNN: That's silly, Counselor Rick. Plant medicines can't be evil, only people can be evil.

MARK: That's right. Medicines can be good OR bad: it all depends on how they're used.

COUNSELOR RICK: You know that, kids, and I know that, but these people were... well, how should I put this...?

ANTOINE: Dumb as crap?

COUNSELOR RICK: Well, let's just say they were superstitious.

MARK: Sounds like they were regular cretins to me.

COUNSELOR RICK: Now, now, Mark, be nice.

CINDY: Counselor Rick! Counselor Rick!


CINDY: I think I've heard this one before.


CINDY: Isn't this the one where the idiots --


CINDY: I mean, the superstitious people burn Mother Nature's own plants?

ANTOINE: Oh, yeah, you're talking about that science-fiction story called "Fahrenheit 452," where the government burns plants in order to stop citizens from improving their mental focus and expanding their minds!

COUNSELOR RICK: Antoine shoots and scores!

ANTOINE: Ooh, Counselor Rick, I don't want to hear that story. It scares me.

MARK: Yeah, imagine a government that is so tyrannous that it bars its own citizens from accessing the plants and fungi that grow at their very feet. Brrr! I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight!

COUNSELOR SUE: Now you've done it, Rick, the kids are all going to have nightmares about DEA fascists kicking down their doors in order to rob them of naturally occurring godsends.

COUNSELOR RICK: Relax, kids. We're living in the 22nd century, remember? The DEA was abolished over a hundred years ago.

[kids crying]

COUNSELOR SUE: Yeah, that's right. They were not only abolished, kids, but their officers were eventually put on trial for willfully lying about godsend plant medications, in an effort to preserve their own law-enforcement jobs.

[crying continues]

COUNSELOR RICK: In fact, several heads of the DEA were actually found guilty of crimes against humanity, for willfully letting Americans suffer without adequate medications for depression and PTSD for decades on end... if that makes you feel any better.

[crying continues]


COUNSELOR SUE: Rick, exactly how long have you been a camp counselor?

COUNSELOR RICK: Sorry, Sue. I guess I forgot just how scary the old drug war days really were.


COUNSELOR RICK: Well, it could have been worse.

COUNSELOR SUE: How's that, Rick?

COUNSELOR RICK: I could have told them about the bad old days when all the big corporations forced employees to undergo the indignity of drug testing without any probable cause, all in order to enforce the government's Sharia against the use of naturally occurring substances.

COUNSELOR SUE: Brrr! Now that really IS scary!

COUNSELOR RICK: I know, right?

COUNSELOR SUE: Thanks for bringing that up, Rick. Now I too won't be able to get to sleep tonight!

COUNSELOR RICK: That is pretty lame at that, the government essentially forcing people to become Christian Scientists when it comes to psychological healing.

COUNSELOR SUE: You're not helping, Rick.

What Have We Learned?

Select the appropriate takeaway message from the above admittedly charming satire.

  1. Some plants are just plain bad and kids should be taught that from the git-go!

  2. Submitting to a drug test is a patriotic responsibility.

  3. The therapeutic needs of the suffering must be ignored so that we can carry on a full-scale drug war. Grrr! (This answer recommended by the National Association of Prison Guards)

  4. Plant medicines can be good or bad, depending on their specific use.

  5. Answer: That's right, kids, the answer is 4: "Plant medicines can be good or bad, depending on their specific use." Unfortunately you'll never learn this from the Drug Warriors, whose patronizing MO is to insist that plant substances are bad in and of themselves. That's why we have no godsend medicines today for depression and other psychological maladies: because the unscientific drug warriors believe that plants are bad without regard to how they're used... which is a fib, kids, okay? And you can tell those typically Caucasian anti-scientific so-and-so's that I said so, too! Humph!

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