AbolishTheDEA.com April 28, 200

Church of the Most Holy and Righteous Drug War

by Ballard Quass

Today's Sermon: The Widow's Stash

 - from AbolishTheDEA.com

Good morning, all!

I'd especially like to welcome all visitors today to the First Church of the Most Righteous and Holy Drug War. As always, we thank you all for submitting your latest urine samples to the ushers this morning upon your arrival. Deacon Primsley will be analyzing those samples in the Church Substance Lab during today's sermon so that this church can proudly declare to the world that we as an ecclesiastical body have entirely forsworn our erstwhile rights to all of those devilish natural substances that our Christian Science government has seen fit to criminalize on behalf of the God-fearing West.

Today's Hymns

His Eye is on the Scumbag 444

Onward, Christian Swat Team 222

Let the Poppy Plants be Burning 138

That reminds me of a line of Scripture in the good book: The Gospel According to the Drug War, chapter 3, Book II: The Book of Conquest:

"And Christopher Columbus did go unto the heathen tribes of the Taino, saying, 'Use not the plants of the forest to gain spiritual wisdom. Rather shalt thou toil to thy death on behalf of Queen Castille of Spain, whilst drinking naught but the debilitating liquor of thy Christian betters, for fear thou mightst otherwise find revolutionary solace in the psychoactive plants which surround ye.'"

May the God of Prohibition add his blessing to today's Bible reading.

Well, come on, everybody, let me hear some AMENs up in this joint!


Now then, let us pray.

Oh, God, thank you for keeping us away from evil plant medicine such as those entheogens used by those non-scientific cultures that we have conquered and forced to adopt our western ways. Keep us from desiring to improve our creativity through the use of God-given substances but keep us happy with our mediocrity and help us reinforce it with frequent unconstitutional drug testing. Teach our young people to urinate upon demand for all their billionaire employers, and keep us from substances that grant us enlightenment, but lead us instead to emotion-blocking Big Pharma drugs, for thine is the dullness, the sameness, and the same old same old forever. Amen.

Let's turn to announcements now. Billy Magillicutty has passed his first of many drug tests this past Thursday to earn the position of cashier trainee first-class at the Arby's restaurant on Beaufort Road. Let's praise Billy for his sheepish abandonment of his rights under Natural Law. Well, done you, Billy. Or should I say, well done EWE, as in e-w-e EWE!

Just kidding. Remember, kids. If you want to be a good Christian, you must urinate upon demand for all employers and government agencies.

In fact, while we're on this subject, let's go ahead and get the Children's Sermon out of the way, shall we? Not that it's a nuisance, exactly, but it does get a little noisy and a certain dowager has complained. And no, I don't mean the Widow Bishop. Look at you guys, turning in your pews to scope out Widow Bishop in the balcony like that. For shame. As if she's the only dowager in the house. For all you know, it was the Widow Hemlock that I'm talking about, or Widow Parsley. Oh, great, and now you're eyeballing them as well. Forget I even said anything, sheesh.

And now where was I? Oh, yes: Red Rover, Red Rover, for children under the age of 15 to come over!

Oh, now, Jimmy Magillicutty, you know better than to run down the aisle like that. But I suppose we should place a charitable construction upon your haste and assume that you are in a righteous hurry to receive moral instruction at the foot of a pro. What can I say?

Okay, gather round, folks. Don't push! Don't push! That's it, now take a seat here in a semicircle around the altar, all 21 of you. What's that, Sally? You count only 20? Well, back at ya, Sally, 'cause guess what? Taney Pierce is at home watching via Facebook. So there. Keep Taney in your prayers, folks, he has a discombobulated shoulder from skateboarding. What kind of name is Taney, anyway, folks. There's nothing wrong with it, of course. I'm just saying... Taney? Really? Just kidding, Taney: get well with sugar on top! (Look at Mrs. Magilllicutty, looking daggers at me from pew 27 or so near the nave. Or is that the apse. I always get those two confused. Just kidding, Mary. Taney's a wonderful name! It's original, at all events, I'll give you that. But I think I'm just digging myself in deeper here, folks. Moving right along...)

Now then, I guess you're wondering why I have a bicycle up here by the altar, right, kids? No, Sammy, you're not going to win the bike if you give a correct answer. But I do have a moral message to convey.

Everyone, ready? Okay, here goes. Now, suppose you were out on this bike and you had an accident and fell. Wouldn't that be terrible. Just think of that, kids.

Now, who can tell me how the community should respond to that accident? Yes, Katie?

Kate: Someone should fix the booboo?

Well, yes, obviously, Katie, let's assume that we're not going to let the accident victim bleed to death. (For goodness' sake!) But my point is, how should the community overall respond to the accident to make sure it never happens again? Yes, Joey.

Joey: The community should educate children about riding bikes safely.

Wrong! You guys have got to start thinking like a Drug Warrior.

Look, here's the proper answer: When someone falls off a bike, it becomes incumbent upon us as a community to immediately ban bicycles of any kind!

And just to be safe, we will also want to penalize anyone who ever uses a bike in the future, and remove them from the work force through frequent bike-testing -- to make sure that they are not somehow hiding a bike on their person (don't ask me how)?

Get it, kids? So I ask you all again: if a person is injured on a bike, what does a good Drug Warrior do?

Kids: WE BAN BIKES!!!!

Good for you, and God Bless You! Now, scoot, because REAL church is about to begin and certain widow dowagers can't stand the racket that you guys make, OK? And I don't necessarily mean the Widow Bishop, either!

OK, time to warm you guys up for today's sermon with another reading from the Holy Scripture. This reading comes from the Gospel According to the DEA, chapter 1 through 5.

And Joseph traveled forth to the Arby's roast beef restaurant in Ruckersville (not the one on Beaufort Road, but the one nearest to the intersection of Route 29 and Route 33) hoping to secure a part-time job in order to be eligible for a recently received credit card offer that would allow him to purchase a 2005 Jeep Cherokee that he had his eyes on, one of those souped-up versions with a 3.7-liter V-6 replacing the previous inline-six-cylinder engine. But the manager, being a man of God, addressed him in admonitory accents, saying, "Verily, I must needs examine your urine in order to guarantee that you are righteous and holy and are not in the habit of thinking thoughts of which the god-fearing politician disapproves." Hearing which, young Joseph, being unused to the righteous thought processes of the modern Drug Warrior, declared: "What the fuck!!!!?

Here endeth the reading of our holy scripture. Incidentally, you can see why I told the children to beat it a little while ago. I'm reading from the unexpurgated version of the gospels today. Even some of you adults are blushing now, even as I speak. Look at Goody Tomkins, turning red as a beet out there in the nave -- or the apse or whatever.

All right, now we get to the good stuff, today's sermon. Oh, but first I've just received a note from Deacon Primsley saying that he has not yet received a urine sample of Frances Goodikins. Frances, please explain yourself, young lady.

FRANCES: Well, personally I think it's a violation of natural law for this church to prevent me from using the plant medicine of Mother Nature as I see fit.

Oh, for shame, Frances.

FRANCES: Take cocaine, for instance. Sigmund Freud thought it was a godsend for his depression and MesoAmerican tribes have used it responsibly for ages.

But don't you see, Frances? If America does not demonize such substances, we won't be able to invade other countries at will in order to dethrone narco-terrorists.

FRANCES: What, you mean evil people who actually sell Mother Nature's Plant Medicine of which racist politicians disapprove?

Where is Nurse Ratchet when you need her? Guards, take her out of here -- Er, I mean, ushers, of course. Parents, cover your kids' ears while Frances is spouting her blasphemies. Mother Babkins, can you talk some sense into your daughter?

MOTHER: Frances, you give the good deacon a urine sample right this instant.

Well, not RIGHT this instance, Mother Babkins.

MOTHER: Oh, you know what I mean, Frances. Head to the bathroom near the apse and do your patriotic duty, both for this church and for America!

Excuse me, Mother Babkins, but don't you mean the bathroom near the NAVE?

Oh, never mind. The Guards -- I mean, the ushers have things under control.

Let that be a lesson for you, kids. The Drug War is the Holy Law of America and will be treated as such. The very idea, failing to urinate upon demand for authorities like myself. Where does she think she lives, a free country under Natural Law. Oh, no, my dear, you live in the Most Righteous and Holy Christian Science Republic of America, videlicit Drug War USA.

Incidentally, pay no attention to the screams coming from the bathroom near the nave or the apse or whatever. The female ushers are simply helping Frances urinate like any other god-fearing Christian. It's called tough love.

In fact, you know what? Let's stop and pray for Frances here, shall we? Are you guys game? OK, and we're off...

Dear Lord, please forgive Frances Bapkins for raising a hew and cry about her, ahem, supposed "rights" under, ahem ahem, "natural law." Remind her that Americans have precisely the rights to Mother Nature's bounty that God-fearing politicians tell them they have: no more and no less, notwithstanding the somewhat more liberal policy dictated by your Eminence in the Original Book of Genesis. Remind her that you've recently seen fit to update that edition under the title of The New Holy Bible According to the Most Righteous Drug War, which you've published, or so I'm told, in collaboration with Penguin Press, and which is available now for just $9.99 wherever fine books are sold.

Meanwhile, thanks for those most holy drugs that we call liquor and nicotine. Surely we are ungrateful to wish for anything more when it comes to psychoactive substances, notwithstanding the fact that entire religions were inspired by the cosmic insights incited by the digestion of the same. For, just between you and us, God, we all know perfectly well that the folks who gained those supposed cosmic insights were but savages compared to us scientific types what run the Drug War worldwide. Besides, how are we going to fight wars if we're all using substances like psilocybin that conduce to peace, love and understanding? I mean, seriously, God: what kind of world would that be, after all? Nothing but peace and happiness, ad infinitum.

Please keep us smug in our Drug War pieties and deny thou employment to anyone who has so much as a trace of a trace of a demonized substance in their system, for thy faithful Drug Wariors have improved upon the color-blind doctrine of Martin Luther King Jr. when we say that we judge people, not by the color of their skin but by the contents of their digestive system.

We pray in the name of the most holy and righteous Christian Science Drug War, amen and amen.

Ooh, that was a good prayer, if I do say so myself. I hope someone was inspired to write it down in real-time.

Uh-oh, Widow Nicely thinks I'm dawdling, don't you, Widow? Not to worry, the sermon is on its way. But first let's turn to hymn no 222, "Onward, Christian SWAT Team, Marching As to War..." The Drug War that is. Sing it like you mean it, folks. I want to hear zero tolerance of Mother Nature's godsend plants in all your voices! And a-one and a-two...

Onward, Christian SWAT Team

Onward, Christian SWAT Team
Marching as to War
Demonizing godsends
That we must abhor

Throwing blacks in jail
Cause they're on the street
Selling godsend medicines
That grow at our feet

Onward, Christian SWAT Team
Marching as to War
Demonizing godsends
That we must abhor

Onward, Christian SWAT Team
Pissing on Demand
With a cup of urine
Proudly in our hand

Peeing for our country
Just to get a job
Founding Father's Freedoms
Filched by brainless mob

Onward, Christian SWAT Team
Pissing on Demand
With a cup of urine
Proudly in our hand

Onward, Christian SWAT team
Demonizing meds
Leaving sad and lonely
Cureless in their beds

Psilocybin mushrooms
Which could make them glad
Thanks to racist politicians
Are considered bad

Onward, Christian SWAT team
Demonizing meds
Leaving sad and lonely
Cureless in their beds

Onward, Christian SWAT Team
Marching as to War
Demonizing godsends
That we must abhor

Christian Science nonsense
Written Into law
Violating Constitution
Sticks in Freedom's craw

Onward, Christian SWAT Team
Marching as to War
Demonizing godsends
That we must abhor

Amen, you may all be seated.

By the way, was it just me, or were some of those lyrics counter-revolutionary? I think the ushers have been inadvertently stocking the pews with hymnals that date back before 1914, during that horrible era in history when anybody and their brother could just reach down to the ground, as free as you please, and pick up any plant medicine that grew at their very feet. You know, that terrible history that began, oh, at the dawn of humankind and only ended in 1914? Can you imagine, folks? Such freedom gives me the shivers. You know, back in the days when those suspicious Chinese, Indians and Persians were still allowed to use their evil opium and all those tribes in South America could still use their evil coca, as free as you please, before we right-thinking scientific Christian Capitalist Americans started knocking them upside their silly heads whenever they chose to partake.

Indeed, Iran would still be using opium today if the holy and righteous Christian Science Republic of America hadn't instructed their puppet regime to criminalize the substance in 1969. One wonders how the world survived until Holy America came along and started criminalizing plants.

FRANCES: The whole Vedic religion was founded to worship the psychedelic properties of a plant, you Imperialist idiot!

Oh, dear, is Frances still knocking about? In the old days, I know ushers that would have given her the holy heave-ho. We're just too nice these days, we Drug Warriors, that's all there is to it. Here's a lady who wants to be a marine biologist when she grows up, too Hah! Well, I've got news for her, folks: she's not going to even get a job at Taco Bell if she doesn't start sharing the god-fearing prejudices of us Christians, who have been demonizing plant medicine since we were old enough to lisp the Christian Science mantras of our most holy kindergarten teachers: "Just say no! Just say no!" That's it, guys: join with me. Don't you just love saying that? Just say no! Just say no!

Why should I say no to spiritual medicine? That's the establishment of the Christian Science religion, preacher, and in a country that was founded on Natural Law at that

Oh, fie, fie, take her way. Since when do Drug Warriors like ourselves have to listen to reason? Mark my words, someday we'll be outlawing opinions like hers. I mean, I'm all for freedom of speech and everything, but when folks start actually PRAISING the psychoactive properties of plants --

You sound just like Duterte, the self-avowed Drug War Hitler of the Philippines.

Good, she's finally out the door. I'll tell you what, everybody stand up where you are and shake your body about so you can remove all of the politically incorrect vibes that she's been scattering about the narthex -- or the nave or whatever. That's it, shake like a wet dog so that we can leave all those minority viewpoints behind us and return to our god-fearing status quo of demonizing psychoactive meds and censoring historical facts that might otherwise call that demonization into question. Let's rejoice in the fact that, botanically clueless as we might be, we are in the majority and so we have the Christian responsibility to keep arresting our enemies and causing wars overseas to turn our demonization into the law not only of the land but of the entire world.

And now let's pause for a moment of silent prayer -- the better to get that heretic claptrap out of our minds.

Scratch that: This will be a vocal prayer. I just thought of some real zingers to send skyward. Now, let me see, uh... Oh, yes, here we go...

Dear God, please talk some sense into Frances, make her adopt the prejudices of the majority. God, we are indeed even shocked to hear a young person speak out against a Drug War that we have created specifically to intimidate and to marginalize dissent. What would happen to that holy war if everyone felt as free as Frances to chime in with their negative opinions about America's unprecedented scapegoating of substances? Why, the Drug War might disappear overnight and then we would lose our scapegoat, drugs, and have to start fixing REAL problems, such as poverty, ignorance and a blackmarket that incentivizes the sale of synthetic addictive garbage.

There are even those who talk of removing all substance laws and actually studying and learning about substances instead of allowing politicians to demonize them a priori. How crazy is that, God?! Where I come from we Christians demonize first and ask questions later, if ever. Imagine having to learn about the various objective properties of substances and teach people about the same. Surely that's too much work, God. Besides, our gut instincts have always served us well. We saw the Chinese using opium back in 1900 and we knew we had to do something. And since the poll tax was going out of favor in the courts, the only Christian thing to do was to turn our prejudices (about substances and ethnic groups) into law by criminalizing poppies. Say what you will about the morality, but it did disfranchise enough of those... ahem... people from China, ahem, ahem. It sent them up the river, along with any traitor American who dared emulate their -- ahem -- heathen lifestyle. There, I said it! Heathen lifestyle! Ha ha! (Don't you feel that way as a Drug Warrior, sometimes, folks? Don't you sometimes just wanna say: "Yes, I'm in this to advance Christianity no matter HOW many prisons I have to fill up with dreaded foreigners -- and those who might be influenced by the same!!!") What can I say, sometimes we Drug Warriors just have to speak the simple truth. It's kind of cathartic!

Of course, I'm usually only this honest about my Drug War predilections after I've had a few at the local pub.

That said, I love everybody, of course. Hey, listen, if you just say no to the list of medicines that I hate based on my gut feelings, then we'll get along famously, even if you're from weird places like China, or India, or South America, notwithstanding their evil embrace of substances of which I disapprove in the most godly manner possible.

Sorry if this prayer is "wandering" a little bit, God, but that free-thinking Frances has rattled my chain. Plus, it was a little surprising. I'd say 99% of professionals are terrified of speaking ill of the Drug War lest they be fired or looked upon askance by their holier counterparts. That's as it should be, of course, but when Frances started piping up, as if we actually wanted to hear someone's ACTUAL opinion, I was suddenly worried that the world had turned upside down and that people were actually thinking rationally rather than religiously about substances and such.

All right, all right, this prayer isn't going to win any Pulitzer prize, but you know what I mean, God? Right? For we pray in the name of the most holy and righteous war on psychoactive substances of any kind -- with the obvious exception of capitalist-approved liquor, of course -- Amen.

Now, then Widow Nicely will be pleased to know that it's time for today's Sermon, the title of which has been irritating passing drivers on our brand-new incredibly bright LED screen out front for the last six days. I know, I know: the Maintenance Committee approved the new sign 5-4 against my better judgment, but if you ask me, the Church now looks more like a Las Vegas casino than a righteous oasis in a world of sin. And do we really need to be flashing the sermon title in rapid succession in the three different primary colors on a stark background of black? The Church could be held liable for any attacks of epilepsy that we inflict on passers-by with our new in-your-face signage.

Oh, I call Scripture Verse, everybody. Scripture Verse!!!!! Listen and perpend.

This is from the Book of Mark -- no, scratch that: This is from the Book of Narc: chapter 12, beginning at verse 41.

"And Judas sat down opposite the treasury and saw the many rich substance users stashing their godsend plant medicines wherever they could hide them, as 'twere higgledy-piggledy, for fear that the notoriously priggish J-man would upbraid them for their use of substances of which Herod did not approve. But then a poor widow came forth and placed a heaping handful of highly smokable marijuana plants right out in the open, smack-dab in front of Judas' indignant baby blue eyes, with no concern whatsoever for concealment, as careless as you please, as if the old crone imagined that she lived in a free republic rather than in the Drug War Capital of the Ancient Middle East, aka Narconia. "Behold," cried Judas, this widow is in felonious possession of godsend plant medicines of which Herod disapproves. Leave us take her to the stoning ground that she may be duly punished for her Christian Science heresy."

May the Drug War God add his blessings to today's holy reading.

So what's the message that God is trying to tell us here in the book of Narc? Well, it's a simple one, really. He's telling us that it doesn't matter how pathetic you are, or poor, or old. Everyone has a duty to renounce Mother Nature's psychoactive plant medicines -- and little old widows are no exception.

Look at Widow Nicely, squirming in her seat. Something to hide, Lady Nicely? Hmm? No? Well, then I'm sure you won't mind if our ushers search your handbags -- and our junior ushers ransack your car? What's that? You do mind? Why could you possibly mind... unless of course you had something to hide.

Yes, you see, the widow thought that she might catch a break because she was old -- but the Drug War is not a respecter of persons, folks. Mind you, it does help to be white, but you won't catch any meaningful breaks that way either unless you're well-connected and rich.

So, I say to all old crones out there: Just say no to plant medicines that in any way improve your psychological life. If God wanted us to have happier and expanded minds, he would have told us that his creation was Good.

What's that? He did? In the book of Genesis, no less?

Well, see that's why we've adopted the new Bible of the Drug War -- because even God can make the odd mistake. The true God's like: "Did I say that the flora and fauna was good? Well, I clearly didn't mean psychoactive flora, which is only the property of government to demonize as it sees fit."

May the Lord add his --

Catch Widow Nicely, she's running away. That's proof that she has something to hide! Tackle her in the narthex, guys -- or in the apex or whatever they call it! Just stop her!!!!

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