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Rat Out Your Neighbors

brought to you by America's DEA

by Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher




November 6, 2022

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Welcome to Rat Out Your Neighbors. I'm DEA field agent Adderall Zoloft, joined today in Washington by bureau chief Paxil Buspar. How are you today, Paxil?

PAXIL BUSPAR: I'm drug free, Adderall. How about you?

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Drug free and proud of it.

PAXIL BUSPAR: I've made some coffee. Help yourself.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Fantastic!

Wait, aren't you having any?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Are you kidding me? I'm already buzzing like a top, thanks to these Red Bull Colas I've been throwing back all morning.

Oh, pardon me.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Sounds like an angel just got his wings.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Or a DEA agent just got his first M-4 assault rifle.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Primed and loaded, baby.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Kicking down America's doors since 1914.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Let's go straight to the phones now. The number, as always, is 1 800-RAT-BAIT. That's 1 800-RAT-BAIT. Call right now to rat out your friends and loved ones for using substances of which our government disapproves.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Wow, that was fast. Looks like we've got a caller already.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Hello there. You are on Rat Out Your Neighbors. Who are the scumbags that you would like to report?


CALLER: Yes, I'd like to report my creative writing teacher at college.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: I see. And what evil substance have you seen them using? I'm guessing coca or pot, right?

CALLER: Worse yet. It's opium.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Ex-squeeze me?


ADDERALL ZOLOFT: What? You mean they're using the substance whose name must not be spoken?

CALLER: Well, I haven't yet actually caught them in the act of using opium yet, but...

PAXIL BUSPAR: Please, don't use that word.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Yes, caller. You see, here at the DEA, we call it "the substance whose name must not be spoken."

CALLER: But he keeps going on about how opium can be used wisely to engender creativity.

PAXIL BUSPAR: What?

CALLER: And telling us how the stories of Poe and Lovecraft, for instance, are full of so-called opiate imagery.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: And what imagery would that be, exactly?

CALLER: You know, like in the short story "Celaphais"
by HP Lovecraft, in which the protagonist, and I quote, wanders through...


"the spectral summer of narcotic flowers and humid seas of foliage that bring wild and many-coloured dreams."



PAXIL BUSPAR: Blasphemy.

CALLER: I know, right?


PAXIL BUSPAR: But I'm afraid that you really have to catch this professor with the goodies before we can kick down his door and scare his children and elderly grandmother to death.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: I feel for you, caller, but it's not yet quite illegal to speak about positive uses of evil substances like... like... you know what.

CALLER: You mean like opium?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Stop saying that word!

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Yes, caller, like the substance whose name must not be spoken.

CALLER: Sorry about that.

PAXIL BUSPAR: It's all good. Just keep an eye on this professor of yours and maybe even record his classes for us.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Yeah, then send us the tape when he incriminates himself.

CALLER: But isn't that illegal?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Illegal? That's a good one.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: You're talking to the DEA, caller. Where there's a will, there's a way, right?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Yeah, haven't you seen those movies like "Running with the Devil," where we hang suspects from meat hooks and shoot them in cold blood at point-blank range?

CALLER: Oh, right.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: That's why we're overseen by a drug czar, baby, so that everyone will know that we're going to play fast and loose with the U.S. constitution.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Because we're bad, we're bad, shamon, shamon!

CALLER: Do what?

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: And we're also out of time.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Oh, dear.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: But join us next time for Rat Out Your Neighbors.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Brought to you by America's DEA.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Who reminds you to just say no...

ADDERALL AND PAXIL: Just say no...

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: ...to all of mother nature's godsend medicines. Now, come on, Paxil. Let's take them out of here.

ADDERALL AND PAXIL: Because we're bad, we're bad, shamon, shamon!




Next essay: Richard Rudgley condemns 'drugs' with faint praise
Previous essay: Mental Illness and the Drug Apartheid of Julian Buchanan

More Essays Here




Some Tweets against the hateful war on drugs

It is consciousness which, via perception, shapes the universe into palpable forms. Otherwise it's just a chaos of particles. The very fact that you can refer to "the sun" shows that your senses have parsed the raw data into a specific meaning. "We" make this universe.
The drug war bans human progress by deciding that hundreds of drugs are trash without even trying to find positive uses for them. Yet scientists continue to research and write as if prohibition does not exist, that's how cowed they are by drug laws.
This is why the foes of suicide are doing absolutely nothing to get laughing gas into the hands of those who could benefit from it. Laughing is subjective after all. In the western tradition, we need a "REAL" cure to depression.
The Holy Trinity of the Drug War religion is Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and John Belushi. "They died so that you might fear psychoactive substances with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength."
I can think of no greater intrusion than to deny a person autonomy over how they think and feel in life. It is sort of a meta-intrusion, the mother of all anti-democratic intrusions.
To understand why the western world is blind to the benefits of "drugs," read "The Concept of Nature" by Whitehead. He unveils the scientific schizophrenia of the west, according to which the "real" world is invisible to us while our perceptions are mere "secondary" qualities.
ECT is like euthanasia. Neither make sense in the age of prohibition.
Drug warriors do not seem to see any irony in the fact that their outlawing of opium eventually resulted in an "opioid crisis." The message is clear: people want transcendence. If we don't let them find it safely, they will find it dangerously.
Think you can handle a horse? So did Christopher Reeves. The fact is, NOBODY can handle a horse. This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
"When two men who have been in an aggressive mood toward each other take part in the ritual, one is able to say to the other, 'Come, let us drink, for there is something between us.' " re: the Mayan use of the balche drink in Encyc of Psych Plants, by Ratsch & Hofmann
More Tweets


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front cover of Drug War Comic Book

Buy the Drug War Comic Book by the Drug War Philosopher Brian Quass, featuring 150 hilarious op-ed pics about America's disgraceful war on Americans



You have been reading an article entitled, Rat Out Your Neighbors: brought to you by America's DEA, published on November 6, 2022 on AbolishTheDEA.com. For more information about America's disgraceful drug war, which is anti-patient, anti-minority, anti-scientific, anti-mother nature, imperialistic, the establishment of the Christian Science religion, a violation of the natural law upon which America was founded, and a childish and counterproductive way of looking at the world, one which causes all of the problems that it purports to solve, and then some, visit the drug war philosopher, at abolishTheDEA.com. (philosopher's bio; go to top of this page)