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December 22, 2018

The DEA: Poisoning Americans since 1973

by Ballard Quass





mock ad for DEA Chief John C. Lawn's Weed Killer Paraquat: extra-strength to kill dandelions and poison pot smokers, giving them Parkinson's disease as well

EMCEE: Live from the DEA Lounge, it's the man who put the "psycho" in "psychoactive."

LAUGHTER

Mr. Johnny O'Clonopan.

That's my name, use it only as directed.

LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE

Thank you. Oh, you're too kind.

I will never understand how I got this gig at the DEA Lounge here in downtown Washington, D.C.

LAUGHTER

Apparently, the Human Relations staff failed to check my politics before signing me up.

The truth be told, I believe that the drug war is...

1) Anti-patient.

GASP

2) Anti-scientific.

GASP

3) Anti-minority.

GASP

4) A violation of the natural law upon which this country was founded.

GASP

5) A way for conservatives to steal elections by locking up thousands of their political opponents.

GASP

6) A make-work program for law enforcement that is their golden goose thanks to the highly lucrative forfeiture of so-called drug property.

GASP

7) A protection racket designed to shield Big Pharma and Big Liquor from competition.

GASP

And an excuse to invade other countries, often with the goal of burning plants that have been used responsibly for millennia by the locals but which now pose an unacceptable competition to the American liquor industry.

Well, aren't you guys going to gasp?

GASP

That's more like it.

DRUM

LAUGHTER

No, seriously. How many of you saw Natalie Reyes, Nicolas Cage, and Laurence Fishburne in "Running with the Devil"?

APPLAUSE

Well, that's depressing. I didn't realize it was that popular.

WOMAN: Oh, yes.

So, let me get this straight: Natalie Reyes is the DEA Chief and she gets to torture and murder mere suspects because they were dealing in....

DRUM

...oh, how horrible...

PLANTS???

LAUGHTER

Thomas Jefferson is not simply rolling in his grave, he is doing handsprings and cartwheels.

LAUGHTER

I mean, did somebody say "Whirling Dervish"?

CROWD: Whirling Dervish!

I thought so. But then the DEA never cared much for Thomas Jefferson anyway. Thirty-five years ago, they stomped onto Monticello in their jackboots and stole the man's poppy plants.

BOO

I know, right? Let me tell you something, folks. U.S. elections aren't being swayed by the Russians, they're being stolen by American movie producers, like the ones responsible for this little 90-minute bit of drug war propaganda.

MAN: That's right.

APPLAUSE

I'd better get out of here. I hear they're having a celebration for former DEA head John C. Lawn. You remember Mr Lawn. He was the guy who tried to poison American pot smokers back in the 1970s by lacing marijuana plants with paraquat, a weed killer that has subsequently been shown to cause Parkinson's Disease.

BOO

What can I say? Your tax dollars at work during America's drug war.

WOMAN: Disgusting

You took the hash right out of my bong, lady.

DRUM

LAUGHTER

Here's an idea. Since he likes that stuff so much, why don't we all chip in together and get him a birthday cake laced with the weed killer of his choice?

[siren wails]

Hey, I was just kidding. I would never try to poison someone with paraquat, unlike certain former DEA chiefs that I know.

DRUM

LAUGHTER

MAN: For sheezy my neezy.

It's scary, though, because 35 years later, Master Poisoner John C. Lawn remains a hero in the eyes of the DEA, and if that doesn't tell you how corrupt this agency is, then nothing will.

WOMAN: Word.

APPLAUSE

My name is Johnny O'Clonopan, and my comedy is every bit as addictive as my Big Pharma namesake, baby. I'll be here until Friday, or until the DEA finally figures out that I hate their friggin' guts.

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

EMCEE: Let's put some hands together, please, gang, for Johnny O'Clonopan.







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Are you wondering why I stopped you? Well, aside from the fact that you're Black, of course. No, seriously, seriously! (Sorry, my mom always said I should have been a comedian.) I stopped you to give you a warning. No, not about your dodgy right headlight (tho' you really should get that fixed). I wanted to warn you that this website is all about criticizing the willful ignorance of society when it comes to so-called "drugs." It is not -- I repeat NOT -- about encouraging either "drug use" or the LACK of "drug use." Ya feel me? It's about encouraging EDUCATION about substances rather than DRUG WARRIOR DEMONIZATION of substances.

Got it? Okay, repeat after me, then: THIS WEBSITE IS ABOUT ENCOURAGING EDUCATION ABOUT SUBSTANCES RATHER THAN DRUG WARRIOR DEMONIZATION OF SUBSTANCES!!!

So if you're contemplating using anything from table salt to heroin, you've come to the wrong site. The author is neither a doctor nor a pharmacologist. This is a philosophical website, not a practical website. You dig me? You need to study up on any and all substances using reliable sources: don't get your medical opinions about specific substances from a philosophy website like this one, for Peter's almighty sake! Ya feel me? Is the copper right or is the copper right?

Now, be on your way -- unless, of course, you're Black, in which case, get out of the car this instant and put your hands on the top of my vehicle! Move! Move! Move! Papa's gonna rough you up a bit. (Tee-hee.)

Just kidding. I really should have been a stand-up comedian, you know.

And get that right headlight looked at, ya numbskull!

Whoo-hoo!





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