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December 22, 2018

The Joy of Drug Testing

by Ballard Quass

 - from AbolishTheDEA.com

They used to laugh at him, said he'd never be a stand-up comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. Give it up, please, gang, for Johnny O'Clonapan.


Oh, I'm sorry. Was that my cue?


That's far too subtle for me to pick up on.



Thanks for coming out. I should warn you, however, that there will be a drug test at the end of my gig.


So pay attention.


Of course, I myself have already taken a drug test before coming on tonight.

WOMAN: Uh-huh.

This is the DEA Lounge, after all, where you're judged not by the color of your skin, but by the contents of your digestive system.



I'm happy to say that I passed the drug test with flying colors.


Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, my government would be so proud of me.

CROWD: Awww!

The drug-testing lab didn't find so much as one single naturally occurring godsend in my system.

ANGELS: Praise God!

That's good because according to Christian Science Sharia, I am not allowed to work in America if I use plant medicine to improve my psychological condition.

Sounds like we have some Drug War heretics in the house.

MAN: Yeah.

Speaking of which, it's a good thing that Freud got his psychotherapeutic work out of the way before America's Drug War began. Otherwise, he'd be smoking his trademark cigars in the San Quentin prison yard.


Freud would be like:

FREUD: Yo, homie. You're in this joint because you had a bad relationship with your father. Wanna talk about it?

And the homeboy would be like:

HOMEBOY: Do you want me to bust your head, yo?


Listen to this here cokehead, talkin' about my father? That [bleep] is whack, yo.

And then there's Ben Franklin, who used to liberally avail himself of opium. Just think: If he had lived in the age of the Drug War, he would have been a mere unemployed scumbag. Benjamin Franklin would be panhandling on the street, talking about:

FRANKLIN: Hey, dude, I just invented a lightning rod.

And the guy on the street would be like:

GUY: And you know where you can PUT that lightning rod, you damn junkie.


Here's an idea for a Drug War: Let's criminalize tobacco and alcohol and throw everyone in jail who partakes of them. That's a Drug War that I could get behind because it would give the hypocritical Drug Warriors a taste of their own medicine.


We'll have drug tests, too, and anyone who has drank or smoked within the last three weeks won't be able to get so much as a job at Taco Bell.


I was about to say you've been a great audience, but I really won't know that until I've learned what you guys have got in your respective digestive systems.


So let's take a short break while you all provide urine samples to our lab technicians.


What's the matter? Are you guys anti-American or something? Drug testing is as American as... as... as invading other countries to burn plants that other cultures have been using responsibly for thousands of years.


You do realize that this is the DEA Lounge, right? I'm sure that the powers that be are taking note of your anti-American reaction to my drug-testing proposal.

MAN: Uh-oh.

Uh-oh is right. Is there not one patriot in the house who is willing to take a patriotic piss for America?

[crickets chirping]

I'll take that as a no... as well as a sign that this lounge has a serious insect problem.



I'm going to be generous, though. On behalf of the United States government, I'm going to allow you to continue seeking gainful employment in the United States despite your failure to take my drug test.


Aren't I magnanimous?

WOMAN: Ah, yes.

Just remember: if you ever happen to ingest a natural substance that promotes happiness or motivation and provides you with psychological insight, chances are you are in violation of American Sharia.


So, spit that substance out at once.


WOMAN 2: Disgusting!

And kindly report yourself to the nearest DEA office.

MAN, siren wailing: Clear the way, folks: drug scumbag coming through!

[tires squeal] [brake engages] [car door opens & closes] [feet walking on gravel] [knock on door] [door creaks open]

FEMALE AGENT: Welcome to the DEA! [agent cackling]

They will then handle all the pesky details of ruining your life by consigning you to the nearest massively overcrowded penitentiary.

[cell door clangs]

FEMALE AGENT: Sleep tight! [agent cackling]


You've been a great audience... as far as I can tell. You sure you're not gonna piss for me?


OK, relax. There's no harm in asking. That's a shame, though, because I paid a pretty penny to have these lab technicians come along.

CROWD: Awww!

I guess they'll just have to go back to their labs to continue removing marijuana users from the American workforce.


They must be real proud of themselves. NOT!


EMCEE: Let's hear it for Johnny O'Clonapan!



Need money and to hell with human rights? Listen to this job offer from Urine Testers United -- working to strip Americans of their dignity and human rights since 1973.

Drug Testing Sucks

Eight Reasons to End Drug Testing

Drug Laws as the Punishment of

Urine Testers Needed

Drug Warriors Fiddle while Rome Gets Nuked

The Totally Unspoken Truth About Drugs

The Joy of Drug Testing

Pissed off about Drug Testing

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Are you wondering why I stopped you? Well, aside from the fact that you're Black, of course. No, seriously, seriously! (Sorry, my mom always said I should have been a comedian.) I stopped you to give you a warning. No, not about your dodgy right headlight (tho' you really should get that fixed). I wanted to warn you that this website is all about criticizing the willful ignorance of society when it comes to so-called "drugs." It is not -- I repeat NOT -- about encouraging either "drug use" or the LACK of "drug use." Ya feel me? It's about encouraging EDUCATION about substances rather than DRUG WARRIOR DEMONIZATION of substances.


So if you're contemplating using anything from table salt to heroin, you've come to the wrong site. The author is neither a doctor nor a pharmacologist. This is a philosophical website, not a practical website. You dig me? You need to study up on any and all substances using reliable sources: don't get your medical opinions about specific substances from a philosophy website like this one, for Peter's almighty sake! Ya feel me? Is the copper right or is the copper right?

Now, be on your way -- unless, of course, you're Black, in which case, get out of the car this instant and put your hands on the top of my vehicle! Move! Move! Move! Papa's gonna rough you up a bit. (Tee-hee.)

Just kidding. I really should have been a stand-up comedian, you know.

And get that right headlight looked at, ya numbskull!


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Bone up on slam-dunk arguments against the drug war, starting with the fact that it was a violation of natural law to outlaw plant medicine in the first place. Check out the site menu for fun ways to learn more about the manifold injustice of the status quo, including many knock-down arguments never made before. Why? Because even the majority of drug-war opponents have been bamboozled by one or more of the absurd assumptions upon which that war is premised. See through the haze. Read on. Listen on. And Learn how tryants and worrywarts have despoiled American freedom, thereby killing millions around the world, totally unnecessarily, ever since the fateful day in 1914 when ignorant America first criminalized a mere plant -- and insisted that the rest of the world follow suit or else -- an act of colonialist folly unrivaled since the days of the genocidal Conquistadors.

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