AbolishTheDEA.com April 17, 2020

The Joy of Drug Testing

by Ballard Quass



 - from AbolishTheDEA.com


They used to laugh at him, said he'd never be a stand-up comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. Give it up, please, gang, for Johnny O'Clonapan.

APPLAUSE

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that my cue?

LAUGHTER

That's far too subtle for me to pick up on.

DRUM

LAUGHTER

Thanks for coming out. I should warn you, however, that there will be a drug test at the end of my gig.

GASP

So pay attention.

LAUGHTER

Of course, I myself have already taken a drug test before coming on tonight.

WOMAN: Uh-huh.

This is the DEA Lounge, after all, where you're judged not by the color of your skin, but by the contents of your digestive system.

DRUM

LAUGHTER

I'm happy to say that I passed the drug test with flying colors.

APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, my government would be so proud of me.

CROWD: Awww!

The drug-testing lab didn't find so much as one single naturally occurring godsend in my system.

ANGELS: Praise God!

That's good because according to Christian Science Sharia, I am not allowed to work in America if I use plant medicine to improve my psychological condition.

Sounds like we have some Drug War heretics in the house.

MAN: Yeah.

Speaking of which, it's a good thing that Freud got his psychotherapeutic work out of the way before America's Drug War began. Otherwise, he'd be smoking his trademark cigars in the San Quentin prison yard.

LAUGHTER

Freud would be like:

FREUD: Yo, homie. You're in this joint because you had a bad relationship with your father. Wanna talk about it?

And the homeboy would be like:

HOMEBOY: Do you want me to bust your head, yo?

LAUGHTER

Listen to this here cokehead, talkin' about my father? That [bleep] is whack, yo.

And then there's Ben Franklin, who used to liberally avail himself of opium. Just think: If he had lived in the age of the Drug War, he would have been a mere unemployed scumbag. Benjamin Franklin would be panhandling on the street, talking about:

FRANKLIN: Hey, dude, I just invented a lightning rod.

And the guy on the street would be like:

GUY: And you know where you can PUT that lightning rod, you damn junkie.

LAUGHTER

Here's an idea for a Drug War: Let's criminalize tobacco and alcohol and throw everyone in jail who partakes of them. That's a Drug War that I could get behind because it would give the hypocritical Drug Warriors a taste of their own medicine.

APPLAUSE

We'll have drug tests, too, and anyone who has drank or smoked within the last three weeks won't be able to get so much as a job at Taco Bell.

LAUGHTER

I was about to say you've been a great audience, but I really won't know that until I've learned what you guys have got in your respective digestive systems.

GASP

So let's take a short break while you all provide urine samples to our lab technicians.

BOO

What's the matter? Are you guys anti-American or something? Drug testing is as American as... as... as invading other countries to burn plants that other cultures have been using responsibly for thousands of years.

BOO

You do realize that this is the DEA Lounge, right? I'm sure that the powers that be are taking note of your anti-American reaction to my drug-testing proposal.

MAN: Uh-oh.

Uh-oh is right. Is there not one patriot in the house who is willing to take a patriotic piss for America?

[crickets chirping]

I'll take that as a no... as well as a sign that this lounge has a serious insect problem.

DRUM

LAUGHTER

I'm going to be generous, though. On behalf of the United States government, I'm going to allow you to continue seeking gainful employment in the United States despite your failure to take my drug test.

APPLAUSE

Aren't I magnanimous?

WOMAN: Ah, yes.

Just remember: if you ever happen to ingest a natural substance that promotes happiness or motivation and provides you with psychological insight, chances are you are in violation of American Sharia.

WOMAN: Ah!

So, spit that substance out at once.

[spits]

WOMAN 2: Disgusting!

And kindly report yourself to the nearest DEA office.

MAN, siren wailing: Clear the way, folks: drug scumbag coming through!

[tires squeal] [brake engages] [car door opens & closes] [feet walking on gravel] [knock on door] [door creaks open]

FEMALE AGENT: Welcome to the DEA! [agent cackling]

They will then handle all the pesky details of ruining your life by consigning you to the nearest massively overcrowded penitentiary.

[cell door clangs]

FEMALE AGENT: Sleep tight! [agent cackling]

LAUGHTER

You've been a great audience... as far as I can tell. You sure you're not gonna piss for me?

BOO

OK, relax. There's no harm in asking. That's a shame, though, because I paid a pretty penny to have these lab technicians come along.

CROWD: Awww!

I guess they'll just have to go back to their labs to continue removing marijuana users from the American workforce.

BOO

They must be real proud of themselves. NOT!

LAUGHTER

EMCEE: Let's hear it for Johnny O'Clonapan!

APPLAUSE

Be sure to piss on demand for all employers and government personnel. Drug testing: it's the new 'free.' Better yet, read more essays on this outrage:



Need money and to hell with human rights? Listen to this job offer from Urine Testers United -- working to strip Americans of their dignity and human rights since 1973.


Drug Testing Sucks






Uncle Sam Wants Your Urine







When I grow up, I wanna be a drug warrior and ruin people














































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Abolish the DEA image featuring machine-gun-bearing DEA officers enforcing drug law sharia, cracking down on Americans for using Mother Nature's freely offered bounty

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