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Calling Doctor Scumbag

a radio play about that crazy drug war!

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

October 28, 2023



Listen to a dramatic reenactment of this story. Click the audio link above.


Cartoon featuring a sign in front of a grade school reading: Drug Free Zone... except for coffee, nicotine, alcohol, cigarettes, SSRIs... sugar, chocolate, aspirin, Monster-Energy drinks...
Signs that read Drug Free Zone are proselytizing on behalf of the drug-hating religion of Christian Science. We should not want to be free of drugs in cases where they could be useful -- which are potentially legion in a sane world.




Dr. Scumbag, you're wanted in the penitentiary. Dr. Scumbag to the penitentiary, please.

FRIDAY: My name is Friday. I carry a drug testing 1 kit.

I had just gotten the call from headquarters. It seems some children in a Van Nuys hospice center were being given morphine to treat some quote unquote severe pain. I thought I'd check out the report. If doctors are really dealing junk to children, heads have got to roll.

So thinking, I turned to my partner Frank and said...


Chop-chop, baby. There's a report of some bigtime drug abuse at Panorama City Medical Center.

FRANK: Panorama City Medical? Isn't that in a drug free zone?

FRIDAY: That's right, Frank. It's practically right across the street from Ranchito Avenue Elementary School.

FRANK: Yeah. Those drug dealing scumbags will be eligible for the death penalty if we catch them trying to dope up those helpless kids.

FRIDAY: Turn on the light show, Frank, my scumbag radar is going off.

FRANK: Say, what is a hospice anyway, Joe?

FRIDAY: A hospice? I don't know exactly, but it's obviously some kind of hospital.

FRANK: Whee doggie, you mean we're going to be arresting doctors?

FRIDAY: That's right, Frank. At least if we can keep ourselves from shooting them in cold blood when we see them dealing junk to the unsuspecting children.

2:38 P.M. We arrived at the hospital and made a self-righteous beeline for the Admissions department, where we were greeted by the receptionist.


RECEPTIONIST: How may I help you, gentlemen?

FRIDAY: We're looking for the Hospice Center.

RECEPTIONIST: Upstairs and to the left. Next?

FRANK: I'm with him!

RECEPTIONIST: All right, keep your shirt on. Jesus.

FRIDAY: 2:39 P.M. With guns drawn, we ran up the stairs and out into an open area full of hospital beds where we stopped to reconnoiter.


FRANK: I give up, Joe? Where exactly is this hospice center? All I see is a bunch of sick children.

FRIDAY: Did you say sick children, Frank?

FRANK: Yes, I did, Joe. Why?

FRIDAY: Then this must actually BE the hospice center.

FRANK: Good catch, Joe. What now?

FRIDAY: Now we just hide ourselves behind this water cooler and wait for a doctor to come along with the goodies.

FRANK: How can they do it, Joe? I mean, the kids are already sick. And now they want to turn them into addicts as well?

FRIDAY: I know, right? But get behind the water cooler so that we can catch them in flagrante delicto.

FRANK: In fragrant what?

FRIDAY: Never mind, Frank, just hide.

2:41 P.M. We waited for what seemed like hours but was actually only three minutes. Finally our patience was rewarded as a doctor walked in carrying a very suspicious looking syringe.


GIRL: Doctor, it hurts.

DOCTOR: Don't worry, sweetie. This will make you feel better.

FRANK: No it most certainly won't. Drop the syringe now!

DOCTOR: Who are you?

FRIDAY: We're your worst nightmare. Now drop the syringe and come away from the little girl.

DOCTOR: But she's in pain.

FRANK: The nerve of this guy, trying to use the little girl's unfortunate medical condition to excuse his own sordid drug pushing.

GIRL: What's happening?

FRIDAY: Everything's fine, honey. This man isn't going to bother you ever again.

2:55 P.M. We arrived back at headquarters with scumbag in tow. Our lab guys verified that the syringe was indeed filled with medical-grade morphine 2 , enough to bring peaceful sleep to dozens of hospice kids, thereby turning them into mindless junkified addicts for life.


FRANK: When will folks learn that drugs are not the answer, Joe?

FRIDAY: Hopefully not before December 31st, 2045, Frank.

FRANK: Why's that, Joe?

FRIDAY: Because that's when I retire from the police force, Frank.

FRANK: Oh.

ANNOUNCER: On November 9th, trial was held in the superior court of Los Angeles county. The scumbag was found guilty of 7 counts of drug possession, drug dealing, and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. He is currently on death row. In a strange twist, the hospice is reporting an unusually high rate of deaths among their young clientele. Police theorize that the creep was not only injecting kids with drugs, but with contaminated drugs at that.










Notes for essay entitled Calling Doctor Scumbag: a radio play about that crazy drug war!:

1: Drug Testing and the Christian Science Inquisition DWP (up)
2: Three takeaway lessons from the use of morphine by William Halsted, co-founder of Johns Hopkins Medical School DWP (up)




read more essays here





Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




The UN of today is in an odd position regarding drugs: they want to praise indigenous societies while yet outlawing the drugs that helped create them.

Imagine someone starting their book about antibiotics by saying that he's not trying to suggest that we actually use them. We should not have to apologize for being honest about drugs. If prohibitionists think that honesty is wrong, that's their problem.

If we encourage folks to use antidepressants daily, there is nothing wrong with them using heroin daily. A founder of Johns Hopkins used morphine daily and he not only survived, but he thrived.

No wonder conservatives are terrified of drugs. It is not safety that worries them, else they would demand education. They are terrified of new ways of seeing life. The outlawing of drugs is the outlawing of whole mindsets. It is a meta injustice.

Governor Kotek is "dealing" with the homelessness problem in Oregon by arresting her way out of it, in fealty to fearmongering drug warriors.

I passed a sign that says "Trust Trump." What does that mean? Trust him to crack down on his opposition using the U.S. Army? Or trust him not to do all the anti-American things that he's saying he's going to do.

There are endless creative ways to ward off addictions if all psychoactive medicines were at our disposal. The use of the drugs synthesized by Alexander Shulgin could combat the psychological downsides of withdrawal by providing strategic "as-needed" relief.

Imagine a world in which we were told about both the potential benefits AND the potential harms of drugs like cocaine and opium.

When people tell us there's nothing to be gained from using mind-improving drugs, they are embarrassing themselves. Users benefit from such drugs precisely to the extent that they are educated and open-minded. Loudmouth abstainers are telling us that they lack these traits.

Ketamine is like any other drug. It has good uses for certain people in certain situations. Nowadays, people insist that a drug be okay in every situation for everybody (especially American teens) before they will say that it's okay. That's crazy and anti-scientific.


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






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