Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up!
you want a drug war, we'll give you a drug war
by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher
December 15, 2019
[standup]
Welcome back to the DEA Lounge.
[applause]
You know, the Drug Warriors don't want a real Drug War.
[murmurs]
That's right, because a real Drug War would crack down, first and foremost, on the use of the two most devastating drugs in American history: alcohol and tobacco.
[applause]
I kid you not.
[laughter]
If we launched a REAL Drug War, then the hypocritical William Bennetts of the world would be the first so-called "scumbags" to be thrown into the slammer.
[gasp]
And when Billy complains, we'll be like: "Hey, we're just taking your own advice: cracking down on nasty drugs -- and the scumbag druggies like yourself who use them."
[drums]
[laughter]
Mind you, in such a Drug War we'd have to leave sentiment behind and get tough.
[gasp]
The William Bennetts, I'm afraid, will have to be removed from the voting rolls pronto.
[applause]
And have their urine tested for tobacco and alcohol at least once a week by government-provided health experts. We should probably televise that testing, too, so that innocent Americans who are subjected to that debasing procedure for no reason at all (i.e., in the absence of all probable cause!) can see that we're not just singling them out.
[laughter]
That's it, Billy, pee: the clock is running and we're going to have to go to a commercial break in a minute.
[drums]
Seriously. Make me head of the DEA. I'd be like: "Throw Billy in the slammer and be sure to take away his voting rights!"
[applause]
And if he threatens to write a book about that so-called "injustice," be sure to confiscate all his book profits and put it towards our drug education efforts!
[laughter]
^{Drug Warrior Boasting:
"I've given up my right to more of nature's godsends than you have!" }{
I'll be like: You want a Drug War, Billy, you got a Drug War, homie.
[drums]
Of course there's an even better idea: stop arresting folks for merely possessing substances and start punishing folks for bad behavior.
[applause]
But, of course, law enforcement fights that tooth and nail, because they're the ones who are getting rich off of the misery of arrested Americans.
[boo]
Maybe the next time the Drug Warriors talk about cracking down, we should agree with them -- only insist that the crack down focuses on the mere possession of tobacco and alcohol.
[applause]
What do you want to bet those pious hypocrites will suddenly be screaming about their rights -- that is, the same rights that they have denied the rest of America for the last half a century.
[applause]
My manager's over there like, "Tell some jokes, damn it!" OK, here's one: Why did the Drug Warrior cross the road? Give up? To make sure that valuable plant medicines were never used by Americans for the purposes of beating depression and improving one's outlook on life.
[drums]
You've been a wonderful audience.
[laughter]
But are you patriotic, that's the question?
[gasp]
But no worries: we're about to find out. We're going to test you all for alcohol and tobacco use on the way out, for the greater good of society, you understand.
You know what they say, folks: Just say "Jawohl, Herr Drug Warrior!"
Of course, we can't force you to urinate for us -- but that won't stop us from viewing you with raised eyebrows from now on should you fail to comply with our reasonable and patriotic request!
Come on, folks, piss -- if not for me, then for your country!
Speaking of piss, it looks like I've pissed off some DEA muscle men over there at the bar. I wonder how many doors they've kicked down to protect Americans from Mother Nature's plants. I tell you, it's a positive bonanza for Home Depot and Lowe's. New doors must be flying off the shelves as real estate agents replace the portals that the DEA has kicked in as part of their efforts to punish Americans for possessing (horror of horrors!) plants!
Just kidding, guys, just kidding!
read more essays here
Ten Tweets
against the hateful war on US
Imagine the Vedic people shortly after they have discovered soma. Everyone's ecstatic -- except for one oddball. "I'm not sure about these experiences," says he. "I think we need to start dissecting the brains of our departed adherents to see what's REALLY going on in there."
Besides, why should I listen to the views of a microbe?
Drug prohibition is the biggest tyranny imaginable. It is the government control of pain relief. It is government telling us how and how much we are allowed to think and feel in this life.
How else will they scare us enough to convince us to give up all our freedoms for the purpose of fighting horrible awful evil DRUGS? DRUGS is the sledgehammer with which they are destroying American democracy.
I just asked New York Attorney General Letitia James how much she was getting paid to play Whack-a-Mole. I pointed out that the drug war created the gangs just as liquor prohibition created the Mafia.
Cocaine is not evil. Opium is not evil. Drug prohibition is evil.
Health is not a quality, it's a balance. To decide drug legality based on 'health' grounds thus opens a Pandora's box of different points of view.
Anyone who has read Pihkal by Alexander Shulgin knows that the drug warriors have it exactly backwards. Drugs are our friends. We need to find safe ways to use them to improve ourselves psychologically, spiritually and mentally.
Some fat cat should treat the entire Supreme Court to a vacation at San Jose del Pacifico in Mexico, where they can partake of the magic mushroom in a ceremony led by a Zapotec guide.
The massive use of plea deals lets prosecutors threaten drug suspects into giving up their rights to a fair trial.
Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us
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Copyright 2025, Brian Ballard Quass
Contact: quass@quass.com
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