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Drug War Clowns

a standup routine by comedian Adderall Zoloft

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

August 2, 2025



Welcome to the DEA Lounge. My name is Adderall Zoloft.

Never fear, I passed a thorough drug test before appearing on stage tonight. I am so proud!

I don't mean to brag, but the drug testers in the lab actually praised me for having a great combination of drugs in my digestive system: they told me that I was apparently using drugs wisely for important purposes and that I should be proud of myself. They reminded me that drugs that inspire and elate have been used for religious reasons for millennia and that my wise use of the same showed that I actually cared about being all that I can be in life.

And here I was thinking that I was going to have to borrow urine samples from the Amish in order to pass muster with America's Drug War Gestapo.

I understand that Kevin Sabet is in the house tonight. I wonder if he would like to come up to the microphone and apologize to all the mothers in inner cities who have lost children due to the drug prohibition that Kevin champions. No? You sure, Kevin? Don't be shy.

Oh, yeah, I forgot: being a Drug Warrior means never having to say you're sorry.

Yeah, that's right. Whenever there are problems caused by prohibition, you Drug Warriors can always blame those very problems on drugs themselves.

I'll tell you what, Kevin, how about I tell the mother of 15-year-old Niomi Russell that you are sorry for having promoted a drugs policy that led to her death by a drive-by shooting in Washington, D.C. in 2024?

I mean, hello, Kevin! There was no machine-gun-fire in American streets until Americans enacted liquor prohibition. And yet these prohibitionist clowns will actually blame inner-city violence on drugs rather than on the drug prohibition that so obviously caused those deaths by incentivizing violence.

Tell the truth and shame the devil, Kevin, that's my motto.

You know what Ann Heather Thompson wrote in the Atlantic in 2014, Kevin:

Without the War on Drugs, the level of gun violence 1 that plagues so many poor inner-city neighborhoods today simply would not exist.


Kevin may not like the fact that I refer to prohibitionists as clowns, but you know what they say: if the big, floppy clown shoe fits, wear it.

Hurry hurry! Step right up! See the most counterproductive and hateful drugs policy in human history! Watch as imperialist and racist politicians demonize the kinds of godsend medicines that have inspired entire religions!










Notes for essay entitled Drug War Clowns: a standup routine by comedian Adderall Zoloft:

1: Firearm Violence in the United States Center for Gun Violence Solutions, Johns Hopkins University (up)




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Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




For those who want to understand what's going on with the drug war from a philosophical point of view, I recommend chapter six of "Eugenics and Other Evils" by GK Chesterton.

Drug prohibition began as a racist attempt to prevent so-called "miscegenation." The racist's fear was not that a white woman would use opium or marijuana or cocaine, but that she might actually fall in love with a Chinese, Hispanic or Black person respectively.

Wanna show drug warriors the error of their ways? Legalize all less dangerous drugs than alcohol and then deny work to those who test positive for liquor and confiscate their property if beer cans are found on-site.

If we can go overseas to burn poppy plants, then Islamic countries should be free to come to the United States to burn our grape vines.

In the 19th century, poets got together to use opium "in a series of magnificent quarterly carouses" (as per author Richard Middleton). When we outlaw drugs, we outlaw free expression.

If politicians wanted to outlaw coffee, a bunch of Kevin Sabets would come forward and start writing books designed to scare us off the drink by cherry-picking negative facts from scientific studies.

That's so "drug war" of Rick: If a psychoactive substance has a bad use at some dose, for somebody, then it must not be used at any dose by anybody. It's hard to imagine a less scientific proposition, or one more likely to lead to unnecessary suffering.

There is more hope in dope than there is in the psychiatric pill mill.

Typical materialist protocol. Take all the "wonder" out of the drug and sell it as a one-size-fits all "reductionist" cure for anxiety. Notice that they refer to hallucinations and euphoria as "adverse effects." What next? Communion wine with the religion taken out of it?

Imagine the Vedic people shortly after they have discovered soma. Everyone's ecstatic -- except for one oddball. "I'm not sure about these experiences," says he. "I think we need to start dissecting the brains of our departed adherents to see what's REALLY going on in there."


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






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Book Cover

Break the ice with a sledgehammer: place this book on your coffee table.

This book features 150 annotated images, designed to force brainwashed Americans to confront the fact that drug prohibition is wrong. Here is what author Richard Parrish II says of the book's compiler: "The drug prohibition philosopher provides first-hand, principled, persuasive, and insightful arguments against the current drug prohibition regime..."

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Book Cover

Diary of a Drug Fiend

This is the only full-cast recording of Aleister Crowley's 1922 classic paeon to common sense. It is the first book -- and so far almost the only book -- to stake out a philosophy of drug use that is compatible with human freedom, one in which we learn to use drugs as wisely as possible for the benefit of humanity. This recording was produced by the Drug War Philosopher and your purchases help support his effort to push back against the tragically counterproductive policy of drug prohibition, in the name of human freedom and of humanity's right to heal.

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Unless otherwise indicated, no AI is used in the creation of site content. These essays represent the original ideas of their author and not the ideas that the author SHOULD have based on an algorithmic parsing of existing data. For more on this subject, consider the AI-related viewpoints to which the author subscribes as delineated in the New York Times opinion piece entitled "What 370,000 College Essays Tell Us About A.I.’s Effects on Creativity" by Rebecca Winthrop of the Brookings Institution.

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