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Drug War Clowns

a standup routine by comedian Adderall Zoloft

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

August 2, 2025



Welcome to the DEA Lounge. My name is Adderall Zoloft.

Never fear, I passed a thorough drug test before appearing on stage tonight. I am so proud!

I don't mean to brag, but the drug testers in the lab actually praised me for having a great combination of drugs in my digestive system: they told me that I was apparently using drugs wisely for important purposes and that I should be proud of myself. They reminded me that drugs that inspire and elate have been used for religious reasons for millennia and that my wise use of the same showed that I actually cared about being all that I can be in life.

And here I was thinking that I was going to have to borrow urine samples from the Amish in order to pass muster with America's Drug War Gestapo.

I understand that Kevin Sabet is in the house tonight. I wonder if he would like to come up to the microphone and apologize to all the mothers in inner cities who have lost children due to the drug prohibition that Kevin champions. No? You sure, Kevin? Don't be shy.

Oh, yeah, I forgot: being a Drug Warrior means never having to say you're sorry.

Yeah, that's right. Whenever there are problems caused by prohibition, you Drug Warriors can always blame those very problems on drugs themselves.

I'll tell you what, Kevin, how about I tell the mother of 15-year-old Niomi Russell that you are sorry for having promoted a drugs policy that led to her death by a drive-by shooting in Washington, D.C. in 2024?

I mean, hello, Kevin! There was no machine-gun-fire in American streets until Americans enacted liquor prohibition. And yet these prohibitionist clowns will actually blame inner-city violence on drugs rather than on the drug prohibition that so obviously caused those deaths by incentivizing violence.

Tell the truth and shame the devil, Kevin, that's my motto.

You know what Ann Heather Thompson wrote in the Atlantic in 2014, Kevin:

Without the War on Drugs, the level of gun violence 1 that plagues so many poor inner-city neighborhoods today simply would not exist.


Kevin may not like the fact that I refer to prohibitionists as clowns, but you know what they say: if the big, floppy clown shoe fits, wear it.

Hurry hurry! Step right up! See the most counterproductive and hateful drugs policy in human history! Watch as imperialist and racist politicians demonize the kinds of godsend medicines that have inspired entire religions!





Notes:

1: Firearm Violence in the United States Center for Gun Violence Solutions, Johns Hopkins University (up)








Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




We won't know how hard it is to get off drugs until we legalize all drugs that could help with the change. With knowledge and safety, there will be less unwanted use. And unwanted use can be combatted creatively with a wide variety of drugs.

The DEA stomped onto Thomas Jefferson's estate in 1987 and confiscated the founding father's poppy plants in violation of everything he stood for, politically speaking. And the TJ Foundation helped them! They sold out Jefferson.

Drug prohibition is the perfect racist crime. It brought gunfire to inner cities, yet those who seek to end the gunfire pretend that drug prohibition has nothing to do with it.

Don't the Oregon prohibitionists realize that all the thousands of deaths from opiates is so much blood on their hands?

Americans have learned nothing but half-truths and lies about cocaine and opium thanks to the total censorship of drug benefits.

"The Harrison [Narcotics] Act made the drug peddler, and the drug peddler makes drug addicts.” --Robert A. Schless, 1925.

A pharmacologically savvy drug dealer would have no problem getting someone off one drug because they would use the common sense practice of fighting drugs with drugs. But materialist doctors would rather that the patient suffer than to use such psychologically obvious methods.

In a free world, almost all depressed individuals could do WITHOUT doctors: these adult human beings could handle their own depression with the informed intermittent use of a wide variety of psychoactive substances.

If there is an epidemic of "self-harm," prohibitionists never think of outlawing razor blades. They ask: "Why the self-harm?" But if there is an epidemic of drug use which they CLAIM is self-harm, they never ask "Why the self-harm?" They say: "Let's prohibit and punish!"

The outlawing of opium eventually resulted in an "opioid crisis"? The message is clear: people want self-transcendence. If we don't let them find it safely, they will find it dangerously.


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






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Copyright 2025, Brian Ballard Quass Contact: quass@quass.com

tombstone for American Democracy, 1776-2024, RIP (up)