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Drug War Clowns

a standup routine by comedian Adderall Zoloft

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

August 2, 2025



Welcome to the DEA Lounge. My name is Adderall Zoloft.

Never fear, I passed a thorough drug test before appearing on stage tonight. I am so proud!

I don't mean to brag, but the drug testers in the lab actually praised me for having a great combination of drugs in my digestive system: they told me that I was apparently using drugs wisely for important purposes and that I should be proud of myself. They reminded me that drugs that inspire and elate have been used for religious reasons for millennia and that my wise use of the same showed that I actually cared about being all that I can be in life.

And here I was thinking that I was going to have to borrow urine samples from the Amish in order to pass muster with America's Drug War Gestapo.

I understand that Kevin Sabet is in the house tonight. I wonder if he would like to come up to the microphone and apologize to all the mothers in inner cities who have lost children due to the drug prohibition that Kevin champions. No? You sure, Kevin? Don't be shy.

Oh, yeah, I forgot: being a Drug Warrior means never having to say you're sorry.

Yeah, that's right. Whenever there are problems caused by prohibition, you Drug Warriors can always blame those very problems on drugs themselves.

I'll tell you what, Kevin, how about I tell the mother of 15-year-old Niomi Russell that you are sorry for having promoted a drugs policy that led to her death by a drive-by shooting in Washington, D.C. in 2024?

I mean, hello, Kevin! There was no machine-gun-fire in American streets until Americans enacted liquor prohibition. And yet these prohibitionist clowns will actually blame inner-city violence on drugs rather than on the drug prohibition that so obviously caused those deaths by incentivizing violence.

Tell the truth and shame the devil, Kevin, that's my motto.

You know what Ann Heather Thompson wrote in the Atlantic in 2014, Kevin:

Without the War on Drugs, the level of gun violence 1 that plagues so many poor inner-city neighborhoods today simply would not exist.


Kevin may not like the fact that I refer to prohibitionists as clowns, but you know what they say: if the big, floppy clown shoe fits, wear it.

Hurry hurry! Step right up! See the most counterproductive and hateful drugs policy in human history! Watch as imperialist and racist politicians demonize the kinds of godsend medicines that have inspired entire religions!










Notes:

1: Firearm Violence in the United States Center for Gun Violence Solutions, Johns Hopkins University (up)




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Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




William James knew that there were substances that could elate. However, it never occurred to him that we should use such substances to prevent suicide. It seems James was blinded to this possibility by his puritanical assumptions.

That's how antidepressants came about: the idea that sadness was a simple problem that science could solve. Instead of being caused by a myriad of interrelated issues, we decided it was all brain chemistry that could be treated with precision. Result? Mass chemical dependency.

I don't believe in the materialist paradigm upon which SSRIs were created, according to which humans are interchangeable chemical robots amenable to the same treatment for human sadness. Let me use laughing gas and MDMA and coca and let the materialists use SSRIs.

We should not be talking about the potential harm of drugs -- we should be talking about the well-established harm of drug PROHIBITION.

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." -- Groucho Marx

It's amazing. Drug law is outlawing science -- and yet so few complain. Drug law tells us what mushrooms we can collect, for God's sake. Is that not straight-up insane? Or are Americans so used to being treated as children that they accept this corrupt status quo?

The Hindu religion was inspired by drug use.

This just in on the drug scene: A new New York Times report shows that America has been flooding the world with antidepressants, alcohol and cigarettes!

America created a whole negative morality around "drugs" starting in 1914. "Users" became fiends and were as helpless as a Christian sinner -- in need of grace from a higher power. Before prohibition, these "fiends" were habitues, no worse than Ben Franklin or Thomas Jefferson.

So he writes about the mindset of the deeply depressed, reifying the condition as if it were some great "type" inevitably to be encountered in humanity. No. It's the "type" to be found in a post-Christian society that has turned up its scientific nose at psychoactive medicine.


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






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Book Cover

Break the ice with a sledgehammer: place this book on your coffee table.

This book features 150 annotated images, designed to force brainwashed Americans to confront the fact that drug prohibition is wrong. Here is what author Richard Parrish II says of the book's compiler: "The drug prohibition philosopher provides first-hand, principled, persuasive, and insightful arguments against the current drug prohibition regime..."

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Book Cover

Drama lovers: collect full-cast recordings of classic plays

In my spare time, when I am not shaming drug warriors for their heartless drug policies, I create full-cast recordings of classic plays using the latest in synthetic voices licensed by the Natural Reader company. Snag your copy of my production of Volpone, by Ben Jonson... and follow me on Payhip for more where that came from, including classics like The Post Office, The Double Dealer and The Inspector General. -- Yours in all-too-justified outrage, the Drug War Philosopher @ abolishthedea.com.

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Unless otherwise indicated, no AI is used in the creation of site content. These essays represent the original ideas of their author and not the ideas that the author SHOULD have based on an algorithmic parsing of existing data. For more on this subject, consider the AI-related viewpoints to which the author subscribes as delineated in the New York Times opinion piece entitled "What 370,000 College Essays Tell Us About A.I.’s Effects on Creativity" by Rebecca Winthrop of the Brookings Institution.

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Copyright 2026, Brian Ballard Quass Contact: quass@quass.com

tombstone for American Democracy, 1776-2024, RIP (up)