Essay date: December 15, 2019

Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up!

you want a drug war, we'll give you a drug war

time to crack down on the real drug menace, by arresting hypocrites like William Bennett for possession of alcohol and tobacco

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Welcome back to the DEA Lounge.

APPLAUSE

You know, the drug warriors don't want a real drug war.

MURMURS

That's right, because a real drug war would crack down, first and foremost, on the use of the two most devastating drugs in American history: alcohol and tobacco.

APPLAUSE

I kid you not.

LAUGHTER

If we launched a REAL drug war, then the hypocritical William Bennetts of the world would be the first so-called "scumbags" to be thrown into the slammer.

GASP

And when Billy complains, we'll be like: "Hey, we're just taking your own advice: cracking down on nasty drugs -- and the scumbag druggies like yourself who use them."

DRUM
LAUGHTER

Mind you, in such a drug war we'd have to leave sentiment behind and get tough.

GASP

The William Bennetts, I'm afraid, will have to be removed from the voting rolls pronto.

APPLAUSE

And have their urine tested for tobacco and alcohol at least once a week by government-provided health experts. We should probably televise that testing, too, so that innocent Americans who are subjected to that debasing procedure for no reason at all (i.e., in the absence of all probable cause!) can see that we're not just singling them out.

LAUGHTER

That's it, Billy, pee: the clock is running and we're going to have to go to a commercial break in a minute.

DRUM

Seriously. Make me head of the DEA. I'd be like: "Throw Billy in the slammer and be sure to take away his voting rights!"

APPLAUSE

And if he threatens to write a book about that so-called "injustice," be sure to confiscate all his book profits and put it towards our drug education efforts!

LAUGHTER

^{Drug Warrior Boasting:
"I've given up my right to more of nature's godsends than you have!" }{


I'll be like: You want a drug war, Billy, you got a drug war, homie.

DRUM

Of course there's an even better idea: stop arresting folks for merely possessing substances and start punishing folks for bad behavior.

APPLAUSE

But, of course, law enforcement fights that tooth and nail, because they're the ones who are getting rich off of the misery of arrested Americans.

BOO

Maybe the next time the drug warriors talk about cracking down, we should agree with them -- only insist that the crack down focuses on the mere possession of tobacco and alcohol.

APPLAUSE

What do you want to bet those pious hypocrites will suddenly be screaming about their rights -- that is, the same rights that they have denied the rest of America for the last half a century.

APPLAUSE

My manager's over there like, "Tell some jokes, damn it!" OK, here's one: Why did the drug warrior cross the road? Give up? To make sure that valuable plant medicines were never used by Americans for the purposes of beating depression and improving one's outlook on life.

DRUM

You've been a wonderful audience.

LAUGHTER

But are you patriotic, that's the question?

GASP

But no worries: we're about to find out. We're going to test you all for alcohol and tobacco use on the way out, for the greater good of society, you understand.

You know what they say, folks: Just say "Jawohl, Herr Drug Warrior!"

Of course, we can't force you to urinate for us -- but that won't stop us from viewing you with raised eyebrows from now on should you fail to comply with our reasonable and patriotic request!

Come on, folks, piss -- if not for me, then for your country!

Speaking of piss, it looks like I've pissed off some DEA muscle men over there at the bar. I wonder how many doors they've kicked down to protect Americans from Mother Nature's plants. I tell you, it's a positive bonanza for Home Depot and Lowe's. New doors must be flying off the shelves as real estate agents replace the portals that the DEA has kicked in as part of their efforts to punish Americans for possessing (horror of horrors!) plants!

Just kidding, guys, just kidding!

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The Schedule I Gift Shop

Help the Drug War philosopher spend more time trashing the idiotic drug war. Purchase products from my Schedule I Gift Shop at Cafepress.com. Want to make money rather than spend it? Send me your anti-drug-war artwork and photos for inclusion on my drug war products and get 50% of all sale proceeds that those products generate. Email quass@quass.com for details.


This is your Brain on Godsend Plant Medicine: Stop the Drug War from demonizing godsend plant medicines. Psychoactive plant medicines are godsends, not devil spawn.

End Drug War Sharia: Re-Legalize Plants: Speak common sense to power: end the war against Mother Nature's medicines.

Monticello Betrayed Thomas Jefferson: By demonizing plant medicine, the Drug War overthrew the Natural Law upon which Jefferson founded America -- and brazenly confiscated the Founding Father's poppy plants in 1987, in a symbolic coup against Jeffersonian freedoms.

End the Christian Science Drug War: The war on plant medicine is the establishment of the Christian Science religion, which tell us it is somehow moral to do without godsend plant medicine.

Drug Testing For Tobacco And Liquor Decal: Slap this sticker on a urinal to remind urinating drug warriors of the hypocrisy of their war on godsend plant medicine.

The Dea Poisoned Americans Bumper Sticker: In the 1980s, DEA Chief John C. Lawn laced marijuana plants with Paraquat, a weed killer that has since been shown to cause Parkinson's Disease.

No Drug War Keychains: The key to ending the Drug War is to spread the word about the fact that it is Anti-American, unscientific and anti-minority (for starters)

Stop Demonizing Plant Medicine Car Bumper Magnet: Today the word

old time radio playing Drug War comedy sketches





You have been reading essays by the Drug War Philosopher, Brian Quass, at abolishthedea.com. Brian has written for Sociodelic and is the author of The Drug War Comic Book, which contains 150 political cartoons illustrating some of the seemingly endless problems with the war on drugs -- many of which only Brian seems to have noticed, by the way, judging by the recycled pieties that pass for analysis these days when it comes to "drugs." That's not surprising, considering the fact that the category of "drugs" is a political category, not a medical or scientific one.

A "drug," as the world defines the term today, is "a substance that has no good uses for anyone, ever, at any time, under any circumstances" -- and, of course, there are no substances of that kind: even cyanide and the deadly botox toxin have positive uses: a war on drugs is therefore unscientific at heart, to the point that it truly qualifies as a superstition, one in which we turn inanimate substances into boogie-men and scapegoats for all our social problems.

The Drug War is, in fact, the philosophical problem par excellence of our time, premised as it is on a raft of faulty assumptions (notwithstanding the fact that most philosophers today pretend as if the drug war does not exist). It is a war against the poor, against minorities, against religion, against science, against the elderly, against the depressed, against those in pain, against children in hospice care, and against philosophy itself. It outlaws substances that have inspired entire religions, Nazi fies the English language and militarizes police forces nationwide. In short, it causes all of the problems that it purports to solve, and then some, meanwhile violating the Natural Law upon which Thomas Jefferson founded America.

If you believe in freedom and democracy, in America and around the world, please stay tuned for more philosophically oriented broadsides against the outrageous war on godsend medicines, AKA the war on drugs.

Site and its contents copyright 2023, by Brian B. Quass, the drug war philosopher at abolishthedea.com. For more information, contact Brian at quass@quass.com.