by Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher
December 15, 2019
[standup]
Welcome back to the DEA Lounge.
[applause]
You know, the drug warriors don't want a real drug war.
[murmurs]
That's right, because a real drug war would crack down, first and foremost, on the use of the two most devastating drugs in American history: alcohol and tobacco.
[applause]
I kid you not.
[laughter]
If we launched a REAL drug war, then the hypocritical William Bennetts of the world would be the first so-called "scumbags" to be thrown into the slammer.
[gasp]
And when Billy complains, we'll be like: "Hey, we're just taking your own advice: cracking down on nasty drugs -- and the scumbag druggies like yourself who use them."
[drums]
[laughter]
Mind you, in such a drug war we'd have to leave sentiment behind and get tough.
[gasp]
The William Bennetts, I'm afraid, will have to be removed from the voting rolls pronto.
[applause]
And have their urine tested for tobacco and alcohol at least once a week by government-provided health experts. We should probably televise that testing, too, so that innocent Americans who are subjected to that debasing procedure for no reason at all (i.e., in the absence of all probable cause!) can see that we're not just singling them out.
[laughter]
That's it, Billy, pee: the clock is running and we're going to have to go to a commercial break in a minute.
[drums]
Seriously. Make me head of the DEA. I'd be like: "Throw Billy in the slammer and be sure to take away his voting rights!"
[applause]
And if he threatens to write a book about that so-called "injustice," be sure to confiscate all his book profits and put it towards our drug education efforts!
[laughter]
^{Drug Warrior Boasting:
"I've given up my right to more of nature's godsends than you have!" }{
I'll be like: You want a drug war, Billy, you got a drug war, homie.
[drums]
Of course there's an even better idea: stop arresting folks for merely possessing substances and start punishing folks for bad behavior.
[applause]
But, of course, law enforcement fights that tooth and nail, because they're the ones who are getting rich off of the misery of arrested Americans.
[boo]
Maybe the next time the drug warriors talk about cracking down, we should agree with them -- only insist that the crack down focuses on the mere possession of tobacco and alcohol.
[applause]
What do you want to bet those pious hypocrites will suddenly be screaming about their rights -- that is, the same rights that they have denied the rest of America for the last half a century.
[applause]
My manager's over there like, "Tell some jokes, damn it!" OK, here's one: Why did the drug warrior cross the road? Give up? To make sure that valuable plant medicines were never used by Americans for the purposes of beating depression and improving one's outlook on life.
[drums]
You've been a wonderful audience.
[laughter]
But are you patriotic, that's the question?
[gasp]
But no worries: we're about to find out. We're going to test you all for alcohol and tobacco use on the way out, for the greater good of society, you understand.
You know what they say, folks: Just say "Jawohl, Herr Drug Warrior!"
Of course, we can't force you to urinate for us -- but that won't stop us from viewing you with raised eyebrows from now on should you fail to comply with our reasonable and patriotic request!
Come on, folks, piss -- if not for me, then for your country!
Speaking of piss, it looks like I've pissed off some DEA muscle men over there at the bar. I wonder how many doors they've kicked down to protect Americans from Mother Nature's plants. I tell you, it's a positive bonanza for Home Depot and Lowe's. New doors must be flying off the shelves as real estate agents replace the portals that the DEA has kicked in as part of their efforts to punish Americans for possessing (horror of horrors!) plants!
Just kidding, guys, just kidding!
More Essays Here
Some Tweets against the hateful war on drugs
We have to deny the FDA the right to judge psychoactive medicines in the first place. Their materialist outlook obliges them to ignore all obvious benefits. When they nix drugs like MDMA, they nix compassion and love.
The FDA uses reductive materialism to justify and normalize the views of Cortes and Pizarro with respect to entheogenic medicine.
We won't know how hard it is to get off drugs until we legalize all drugs that could help with the change. With knowledge and safety, there will be less unwanted use. And unwanted use can be combatted creatively with a wide variety of drugs.
Alexander Shulgin is a typical westerner when he speaks about cocaine. He moralizes about the drug, telling us that it does not give him "real" power. But so what? Does coffee give him "real" power? Coke helps some, others not. Stop holding it to this weird metaphysical standard.
Check out the 2021 article in Forbes in which a materialist doctor professes to doubt whether laughing gas could help the depressed. Materialists are committed to seeing the world from the POV of Spock from Star Trek.
We need a Controlled Prohibitionists Act, to get psychiatric help for the losers who think that prohibition makes sense despite its appalling record of causing civil wars overseas and devastating inner cities.
To put it another way: in a sane world, we would learn to strategically fight drugs with drugs.
The FDA tells us that MDMA is not safe at the same time as they tell us that "shock therapy" IS safe. What?! Shock therapy "works" by damaging the brain.
Ann Lemke's case studies make the usual assumptions: getting free from addiction is a morality tale. No reference to how the drug war promotes addiction and how banned drugs could solve such problems. She does not say why daily SSRI use is acceptable while daily opium use is not. Etc.
Unfortunately, the prohibitionist motto is: "Billions for arrest, not one cent for education." To the contrary, drug warriors are ideologically committed to withholding the truth about drugs from users.
More Tweets
Buy the Drug War Comic Book by the Drug War Philosopher Brian Quass, featuring 150 hilarious op-ed pics about America's disgraceful war on Americans
You have been reading an article entitled, Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up!: you want a drug war, we'll give you a drug war, published on December 15, 2019 on AbolishTheDEA.com. For more information about America's disgraceful drug war, which is anti-patient, anti-minority, anti-scientific, anti-mother nature, imperialistic, the establishment of the Christian Science religion, a violation of the natural law upon which America was founded, and a childish and counterproductive way of looking at the world, one which causes all of the problems that it purports to solve, and then some, visit the drug war philosopher, at abolishTheDEA.com. (philosopher's bio; go to top of this page)
