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What's My Line? Drug War Edition

A laughable game show about a laughable drug policy

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

April 11, 2026



HOST: Welcome to What's My Line?! Today's guest is someone in the biomedical field. Someone in the biomedical field. Our contestants' duty is to identify the job that he holds. Okay, guys? Let's start with the star of Celebrity Lawn Darts, Talon West. Talon, your first question, please?

TALON: Do you work in a laboratory, my dear?

HOST: Oh, good question.

GUEST: Yes, I do.

HOST: Interesting. Let's go to Indigo Lane from CSI: Run-of-the-mill Victims Unit.

INDIGO: Do you test bodily fluids, by any chance?

GUEST: Yes, I do.

INDIGO: What can I say, I had a hunch.

HOST: A good hunch! Good for you. Let's move on to Cairo Reeves, host of Chutes & Ladders: Celebrity Edition.

CAIRO: Does your work affect people like me?

GUEST: It could.

HOST: Aha! It could affect you, Cairo! Watch out! Haha! Talon, next question, please?

TALON: You say it could affect Cairo. How so?

GUEST: It could cause him to lose his job.

HOST: Wow! How odd is THAT? This is a tough one, folks. Indigo?

Indigo: Does your job have anything to do with urine, by any chance?

HOST: Where does she GET these questions?

GUEST: Yes, actually it does.

HOST: Shut my mouth! Really?! How did you know that, Indigo? Cairo, you get to ask the final question.

CAIRO: Would you, by any chance, be one of those weasels who tests employee urine, not simply to check for impairment, but to "catch them out" for using any medicines that inspire and elate which are not produced by Big Pharma, thereby denying them their time-honored right to take care of their own health as they see fit and tossing them out of the work force for the crime of being a Christian Science heretic?

GUEST: You got it in one!

HOST: Well, he got it in two, actually, but he did get it! Congratulations.

CAIRO: You sneaky little weasel.

HOST: That's all for today, folks.

CAIRO: How does it feel, making money by running roughshod over my time-honored rights? Huh? Come back here!

HOST: Cairo, please!










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Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




Scientists hold holistically working drugs to reductionist standards, thereby practicing a sort of pharmacological colonialsm.

If the depressed patient laughs, that means nothing. Materialists have to see results under a microscopic or they will never sign off on a therapy.

The Thomas Jefferson Foundation is a drug war collaborator. They helped the DEA confiscate Thomas Jefferson's poppy plants in 1987.

The drug war is a meta-injustice. It does not just limit what you're allowed to think, it limits how and how much you are allowed to think.

There's more than set and setting: there's fundamental beliefs about the meaning of life and about why mother nature herself is full of psychoactive substances. Tribal peoples associate some drugs with actual sentient entities -- that is far beyond "set and setting."

If they're going to throw doctors in jail for prescribing too much pain medication, they should also throw them in jail for prescribing too LITTLE.

Being less than a month away from an election that, in my view, could end American democracy, I don't like to credit Musk for much. But I absolutely love it every time he does or says something that pushes back against the drug-war narrative.

Imagine if we held sports to the same safety standard as drugs. There would be no sports at all. And yet even free climbing is legal. Why? Because with sports, we recognize the benefits and not just the downsides.

I'm told that science is completely unbiased today. I guess I'll have to go back and reassess my doubts about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

I've always wondered why we don't just let heroin users be -- or better yet, re-legalize drugs and give them choices. Why are they punished for using heroin daily while we praise 1 in 4 women for taking an even more dependence-causing drug every day of their life?


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






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Book Cover

Break the ice with a sledgehammer: place this book on your coffee table.

This book features 150 annotated images, designed to force brainwashed Americans to confront the fact that drug prohibition is wrong. Here is what author Richard Parrish II says of the book's compiler: "The drug prohibition philosopher provides first-hand, principled, persuasive, and insightful arguments against the current drug prohibition regime..."

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Book Cover

Diary of a Drug Fiend

This is the only full-cast recording of Aleister Crowley's 1922 classic paeon to common sense. It is the first book -- and so far almost the only book -- to stake out a philosophy of drug use that is compatible with human freedom, one in which we learn to use drugs as wisely as possible for the benefit of humanity. This recording was produced by the Drug War Philosopher and your purchases help support his effort to push back against the tragically counterproductive policy of drug prohibition, in the name of human freedom and of humanity's right to heal.

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Unless otherwise indicated, no AI is used in the creation of site content. These essays represent the original ideas of their author and not the ideas that the author SHOULD have based on an algorithmic parsing of existing data. For more on this subject, consider the AI-related viewpoints to which the author subscribes as delineated in the New York Times opinion piece entitled "What 370,000 College Essays Tell Us About A.I.’s Effects on Creativity" by Rebecca Winthrop of the Brookings Institution.

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Copyright 2026, Brian Ballard Quass Contact: quass@quass.com

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