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Urine Testers Needed

must be willing and able to piss on the US Constitution

by Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher




January 8, 2020

big player in the drug-testing business is looking for new urine testers. Must be willing and able to ruin the lives of Americans who attempt to profit therapeutically from Mother Nature's plants. Will check employee urine for every natural substance known to man -- except for the two most dangerous substances, of course, namely alcohol and tobacco. (Nor will the successful candidate be checking for addictive antidepressants, in keeping with the social status quo of ignoring THAT epidemic entirely. Hey, Americans can only handle so much truth at one time, you see.) Must, however, be willing and able to punish Christian Science heretics with expulsion from the U.S. job market based on no probable cause whatsoever, let alone proof that would hold up in court.

Support America's drug war sharia: start checking urine today! Ruin the lives of those bastards who insist on accessing the therapeutic bounty that grows at their very feet!

Want to show your patriotism? Join the Great Piss Off, coming in July 4, 2020, when all right-thinking Americans will simultaneously piss into a special government-provided test tube at exactly 12 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, which they will then send off to a special DEA laboratory in Washington DC, as a clear sign to our Drug Czars that they have obediently scorned the therapeutic benefits of Mother Nature. To receive complete details, along with your own custom-marked test tube, call today: 1-800-PISS-OFF. That's 1-800-PISS-OFF.

Show America that you have nothing to hide -- piss off for America this July!

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Meanwhile remember: Just say no to increased cognitive abilities! Tell Mother Nature, "Thanks, but no thanks, for the ontologically revealing plants. I'd just as soon see reality through the same dull grey fog as per usual, if it's all the same to you. No need for plant-supplied psychological insights here. I knows what I knows, and that's good enough for me!

Expanded consciousness? My parents and grandparents were as dumb as a post and they got by just fine with good old-fashioned sobriety -- albeit with a generous pull on the old Jack Daniels bottle when the going got tough, about every 24 hour or so. Besides, ain't it just witches and savages what use plants and fung-i for psychological purposes? Seems absurd to go that route after my conquistador forebears spent all that time wiping out whole cultures merely because they used the stuff."

Or an indignant apostrophe to that effect. Just be sure to let mother nature have it! Uggh!

Does drug testing piss you off? Well, now you can help put OTHER people out of work. {^Become a urine tester and help kick nature lovers out of the job market by flagging urine that might contain any of Mother Nature's godsend medicines. Do you want to live in a world where everyone can freely improve their minds with the help of nature's bounty? Of course not. What fun would that be? So apply today and help us double down on America's most righteous and holy Drug War!}{


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You have been reading an article entitled, Urine Testers Needed: must be willing and able to piss on the US Constitution, published on January 8, 2020 on AbolishTheDEA.com. For more information about America's disgraceful drug war, which is anti-patient, anti-minority, anti-scientific, anti-mother nature, imperialistic, the establishment of the Christian Science religion, a violation of the natural law upon which America was founded, and a childish and counterproductive way of looking at the world, one which causes all of the problems that it purports to solve, and then some, visit the drug war philosopher, at abolishTheDEA.com. (philosopher's bio; go to top of this page)