the only comedian whose stand-up routine is listed as Schedule One by the DEA
by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher
May 13, 2020
EMCEE: Introducing the man who has passed more drugs tests than any other comedian on the planet.
ADDERALL: On Planet Mars, that is.
[laughter]
EMCEE: Let's hear it for Adderall Zoloft.
ADDERALL: Hey, use me only as directed, folks.
[applause]
ADDERALL: Here's a little riddle to warm you guys up. What do you get when you cross banisteriopsis caapi with psychotria viridis?
PAXIL: I don't know. What do you get when you cross banisteriopsis caapi with psychotria viridis?
ADDERALL: Ten to twenty years in the state penitentiary.
[drum]
[laughter]
No, seriously. You actually get ayahuasca if you're lucky.
PAXIL: Ayahuasca?
ADDERALL: That's right. Ayahuasca. Speaking of which, did you know that there's actually a church in America that has won the legal right to use ayahuasca in its religious rituals?
[applause]
I kid you not. Needless to say, the DEA fought that one all the way to the Supreme Court.
PAXIL: That figures.
ADDERALL: I'm happy to report however that they lost that final case, 9 to freakin' zero.
[applause]
PICTURE1
I don't like to gloat, but when I heard that outcome, I was like, "In your face, with a can of mace!"
[laughter]
PAXIL: I know what you mean, Adderall.
ADDERALL: Really?
PAXIL: Yeah. I myself was like, "Up your nose with a garden hose!"
[laughter]
ADDERALL: Paxil Busspar, ladies and gentlemen, my loyal sidekick. How are you tonight, Paxil?
[applause]
PAXIL: I'm doing great, Adderall.
ADDERALL: Oh, really?
PAXIL: Yes, I just passed my drug test to work at Taco Bell.
[laughter]
ADDERALL: Your parents must be so proud of you.
PAXIL: I know, right?
ADDERALL: But I'm a little puzzled.
PAXIL: Oh, really? How so?
ADDERALL: I thought you agreed with me that drug testing 1 was so much Christian Science bull [bleep].
PAXIL: Yes, I usually do, but this drug test was actually fair for a change.
ADDERALL: The drug test was fair? What do you mean?
PAXIL: Well, after the test was over, the lab guys actually congratulated me for the drug that I had in my system. They said I had chosen well.
ADDERALL: That's interesting. And what drug did you have in your system, Paxil?
PAXIL: I can't tell you and give away the answer.
[drum]
[laughter]
ADDERALL: Fair point.
PAXIL: Suffice it to say that it was a so called entheogen, and it helped sharpen my thinking and made me more friendly and compassionate. The lab guys actually said that it would help make me a valuable addition to the Taco Bell work force.
[laughter]
ADDERALL: Aha. I bet it was a mushroom from the genus psilocybe.
PAXIL: Tut tut Adderall. Nice try, but I'm not going to give away the answer, since you haven't taken this particular drug test yet.
ADDERALL: Fair enough, Paxil. Fair enough. I'm actually waiting for someone to create a church around the ritual use of psilocybin.
[applause]
PAXIL: Good for you.
ADDERALL: Say, Paxil, is it legal to murder a ghost?
PAXIL: I don't know. There's precious little case law in that area. Why do you ask?
ADDERALL: I was thinking of summoning the ghost of Francis Burton Harrison via Ouija Board and then beating the crap out of him, for outlawing opium 2 in 1914.
PAXIL: I'm afraid that would never work, Adderall.
ADDERALL: Why not, Paxil?
PAXIL: Because Francis's ghost would realize that the seance was a set-up job, and so he would never appear.
[laughter]
ADDERALL: Well, I'm still mighty sore at that bonehead.
PAXIL: Me too, Adderall.
ADDERALL: That man up-ended American democracy with his so-called Narcotics Act which, for the first time in American history, criminalized a freakin' plant.
[boo]
PAXIL: Now, Adderall, watch your blood pressure.
ADDERALL: I know, Paxil, but the man succeeded single-handedly in replacing the natural law on which America was founded with common law, criminalizing plants, which are the birth right of anyone who is born on planet earth.
[applaud]
PAXIL: Well, I'm sure he meant well, Paxil.
ADDERALL: Meant well? The man is responsible for millions of unnecessary deaths.
PAXIL: Remember your blood pressure.
ADDERALL: And he single-handedly created a violent movie genre in which sanctimonious Americans go south to intervene in supposedly sovereign countries in order to shoot Latinos.
[gasp]
[boo]
And why? Because they're selling plant-based medicines that have been used responsibly for millennia by non-western cultures.
PAXIL: We've talked about this, Adderall. Your audiences don't like it when you get on your high horse.
ADDERALL: It's just pops my buttons, that's all.
PAXIL: I know.
ADDERALL: I mean, stop the god [bleep] war on Mother Nature's [bleep] plants already.
PAXIL: It sounds like somebody didn't get a nap this afternoon.
[baby cries]
[laughter]
ADDERALL: Sorry about that, Paxil. Now then, where were we?
PAXIL: I think we were just getting to the part where everything that we say is hilarious and elicits hearty guffaws from the audience.
ADDERALL: You hear that, audience? Watch for your cue now.
[laughter]
PAXIL: I know, why don't you tell a joke?
ADDERALL: Good idea. Okay, let's see. What do you get when you cross an anti-Chinese electorate with WASP Americans who have a jaundiced view of Mother Nature's plants and fungi?
PAXIL: I don't know. What do you get when you cross an anti-Chinese electorate with WASP Americans who have a jaundiced view of Mother Nature's plants and fungi?
ADDERALL: You get the Harrison Narcotics Act of 1914, that's what you get.
[drum]
[laughter]
PAXIL: Oh, there you go again!
[drum]
[laughter]
EMCEE: Let's hear it for the only comedian whose stand-up routine is listed as schedule one by the DEA.
ADDERALL: That's right folks. They can't even study me in laboratories without an act of Congress.
@HKSExecEd The use of Ecstasy brought UNPRECEDENTED peace and love to the British dance floors in the 1990s. When are political scientists going to acknowledge the potential for such substances to pull our species back from the brink of nuclear annihilation?
If Americans want less government, they should get rid of the Drug War Industrial Complex, rather than abandoning democracies around the world and leaving a vacuum for Russia and China to fill.
In a sane world, we would learn to strategically fight drugs with drugs.
If there was free speech in America, we would see billboards demanding freedom to use psychoactive substances for religious purposes, or to heal, or to follow-up on the research of William James regarding the nature of human consciousness.
We need a scheduling system for psychoactive drugs as much as we need a scheduling system for sports activities: i.e. NOT AT ALL. Some sports are VERY dangerous, but we do not outlaw them because we know that there are benefits both to sports and to freedom in general.
The so-called "herbs" that witches used were drugs, in the same way that "meds" are drugs. If academics made that connection, the study of witchcraft would shed a lot of light on the fearmongering of modern prohibitionists.
David Chalmers says almost everything in the world can be reductively explained. Maybe so. But science's mistake is to think that everything can therefore be reductively UNDERSTOOD. That kind of thinking blinds researchers to the positive effects of laughing gas and MDMA, etc.
"Users" can be kept out of the workforce by the extrajudicial process of drug testing; they can have their baby taken from them, their house, their property -- all because they do not share the intoxiphobic attitude of America.
Most people think that drugs like cocaine, MDMA, LSD and amphetamines can only be used recreationally. WRONG ! This represents a very naive understanding of human psychology. We deny common sense in order to cater to the drug war orthodoxy that "drugs have no benefits."
"Chemical means of peering into the contents of the inner mind have been universally prized as divine exordia in man’s quest for the beyond... before the coarseness of utilitarian minds reduced them to the status of 'dope'." -- Eric Hendrickson
Unless otherwise indicated, no AI is used in the creation of site content. These essays represent the original ideas of their author and not the ideas that the author SHOULD have based on an algorithmic parsing of existing data. For more on this subject, consider the AI-related viewpoints to which the author subscribes as delineated in the New York Times opinion piece entitled "What 370,000 College Essays Tell Us About A.I.’s Effects on Creativity" by Rebecca Winthrop of the Brookings Institution.
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