ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the American City Homicide Awards for 2021, brought to you by drug prohibition, doing its part to keep the guns firing fast and furious in the 'hood. Now here is your host, Paxil Buspar.
PAXIL: Paxil Buspar here with co-host Adderall Zoloft, and it's an exciting night here in the State Farm Arena in Atlanta, Georgia.
GUNSHOT
ADDERALL: Oh! It sounds like someone's trying to make sure that Atlanta, Georgia, comes out on top tonight when it comes to the homicide totals.
PAXIL: The joke is on them because it's already 2022, so any murders that are committed tonight are going to have no effect on tonight's award show.
"Yeah!"
ADDERALL: Speaking of which, it's going to be a close competition tonight.
PAXIL: That's right, Adderall. Now that Covid restrictions are easing up, we're seeing record homicide numbers throughout the country, and not just in the usual cities like New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago.
ADDERALL: That's right, Paxil. Homicide totals are up all over the country, including in unlikely cities like Columbus, Ohio; Portland, Oregon; Detroit, Michigan; Atlanta, Georgia; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Milwaukee, Wisconsin...
PAXIL: Yes, we get the idea, Adderall.
ADDERALL: ...Portland, Oregon; Toledo, Ohio; San Francisco, California; Memphis, Tennessee...
ADDERALL: Well, you've got to give a lot of credit to America's War on Drugs, Paxil.
PAXIL: That's right, Adderall.
ADDERALL: In fact, do you know what Heather Ann Thompson wrote in the Atlantic in 2014?
PAXIL: What's that, Adderall?
ADDERALL: She wrote, and I quote... ahem! ahem!
"Without the War on Drugs, the level of gun violence that plagues so many poor inner-city neighborhoods today simply would not exist."
PAXIL: Nice impersonation.
ADDERALL: Thanks, Paxil.
PAXIL: All in the name of the God-fearing Drug War, Adderall.
CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING
ADDERALL: Amen.
PAXIL: Could you hand me the envelope, please? Oh, this is so exciting.
ENVELOPE CRINKLING
ADDERALL: Do you need some help with that?
PAXIL: No, thanks, I've got it.
The American city with the third-highest homicide rate per capita in 2021 is...
DRUM ROLL PLAYING
...Detroit Michigan...
CHEERING
...with 309 homicides out of a population of just over 630,000. Accepting the Silver Bullet Award on behalf of Detroit is gang member Reginald Perez from the Fiver Percenters.
REGINALD: Yo, I'd like to thank the DEA for outlawing Mother Nature's godsend medicines.
PAXIL: Oh, yeah?
REGINALD: Are you kidding me? It opened up endless entrepreneurial opportunities in the 'hood.
PAXIL: Opportunities in which guns came in handy, right, Reginald?
REGINALD: The white lady knows whereof she speaks.
CHEERING
ADDERALL: Okay, now it's my turn, Paxil.
PAXIL: Say the magic words, Adderall.
ADDERALL: Oh, great. I've always wanted to say this. Ahem. May I have the envelope, please?
ENVELOPE CRINKLING
What kind of envelopes are these, anyway? Guess they made it out of some kind of funky organic material, like seaweed. Here we go.
DRUM ROLL PLAYING
The American city with the second-highest homicide rate per capita in 2021 is New Orleans, Louisiana...
CHEERING
...with 218 homicides out of a population of 384,000. It looks like New Orleans has been pulling out all the stops...
CORK POPS
PAXIL: And all the AK47's, for that matter.
ADDERALL: To accept tonight's award on behalf of New Orleans, I'd like to welcome Tanya Wingate to the stage. She's chairwoman of the Stop the Violence Campaign in the city's historic 9th Ward.
CROWD MURMURING
What's that? Oh, that's terrible. I've just gotten word that Tanya was killed by a stray bullet while she was pulling out of her driveway this morning to catch a plane for Atlanta.
PAXIL: Oh, God, that is awful.
ADDERALL: Well, I guess I will accept this award on behalf of Tanya's next-of-kin.
PAXIL: Good idea.
ADDERALL: And congratulations once again to New Orleans for coming in second place in the 2021 homicide awards here in Atlanta, Georgia's State Farm Arena.
PAXIL: That's a hard act to follow, Adderall.
ADDERALL: I know, right? Especially if you're not wearing a bullet-proof vest.
LAUGHTER
PAXIL: But it's time now to announce the winner for the American City Homicide Awards of 2021.
ADDERALL: Here's the envelope, Paxil.
PAXIL: Nice try, Adderall, but you're not going to deprive me of the opportunity of saying those magic words once again tonight.
ADDERALL: Oh, right.
PAXIL: May I have the envelope, please?
ADDERALL: I thought you'd never ask.
ENVELOPE CRINKLING
PAXIL: Excuse me just one moment.
CHAINSAW BUZZES
There.
DRUM ROLL PLAYING
And the winner for the American City Homicide Awards for 2021 is... St. Louis, Missouri...
CHEERING
...with 195 homicides out of a population of just 300,000.
ST. LOUIS HOMEBOY: St. Louis does not accept your stupid award.
ADDERALL: And who might you be?
ST. LOUIS HOMEBOY: I might be the guy that's gonna shove that microphone down your throat if you don't stop glamorizing gun violence.
AUDIENCE GASPS
PAXIL: You should be happy. Your city won the American City Homicide competition for 2021.
ST. LOUIS HOMEBOY: Yeah, but only because the racist Drug War incentivized drug dealing, thereby filling my hometown with guns.
PAXIL: You say potato and I say potahto.
ST. LOUIS HOMEBOY: Say what?
ADDERALL: Can we get some security officers up here, please?
PAXIL: Well, I'll tell you what. I used to live in St. Louis myself so I will accept this Silver Bullet Award on behalf of my former hometown.
ADDERALL: I didn't know you used to live in St. Louis.
PAXIL: Oh, yeah, I grew up there.
ADDERALL: Why did you leave?
PAXIL: Because between you and me, it was way too violent.
CHEERING
ANNOUNCER: You have been listening to the American City Homicide Awards for 2021, brought to you by Drug War prohibition: helping to keep the 'hood exciting by incentivizing drug dealing among the poor and powerless. Do your part to marginalize and kill American minorities: tell your Congress people to ratchet up the patriotic War on Drugs today. The War on Drugs: proudly keeping Mother Nature's godsends from the American people for over 100 years.
Comedy
The drug war is laughable -- or it would be if the drug warriors hadn't deprived us of laughing gas, the substance that William James himself used to study alternate realities. (Gee, thanks, folks, for censoring academia. Don't worry, though, I'm not going to call you prohibitionists 'fascist bastards' on THAT account. Mom just didn't raise me like that.)_
I know. I'm on SNRIs. But SSRIs and SNRIs are both made with materialist presumptions in mind: that the best way to change people is with a surgical strike at one-size-fits-all chemistry. That's the opposite of the shamanic holism that I favor.
Was looking for natural sleeping aids online. Everyone ignores the fact that all the stuff that REALLY works has been outlawed! We live in a pretend world wherein the outlawed stuff no longer even exists in our minds! We are blind to our lost legacy regarding plant medicines!
Alcohol is a drug in liquid form. If drug warriors want to punish people who use drugs, they should start punishing themselves.
Drug Warriors rail against drugs as if they were one specific thing. They may as well rail against penicillin because cyanide can kill.
Trump is the prototypical drug warrior. He knows that he can destroy American freedoms by fearmongering. He has seen it work with the Drug War, which got rid of the 4th Amendment, religious freedom and is now going after free speech.
A lot of drug use represents an understandable attempt to fend off performance anxiety. Why understandable? Because performers can lose their livelihood should they become too self-conscious. We call that use "recreational" only because we ignore common sense psychology.
Drug warriors are full of hate for "users." Many of them make it clear that they want users to die (like Gates and Bennett...). The drug war has weaponized humanity's worst instincts.
Only a pathological puritan would say that there's no place in the world for substances that lift your mood, give you endurance, and make you get along with your fellow human being. Drugs may not be everything, but it's masochistic madness to claim that they are nothing at all.
To understand why the western world is blind to the benefits of "drugs," read "The Concept of Nature" by Whitehead. He unveils the scientific schizophrenia of the west, according to which the "real" world is invisible to us while our perceptions are mere "secondary" qualities.
If drug war logic made sense, we would outlaw endless things in addition to drugs. Because the drug war says that it's all worth it if we can save just one life -- which is generally the life of a white suburban young person, btw.
Buy the Drug War Comic Book by the Drug War Philosopher Brian Quass, featuring 150 hilarious op-ed pics about America's disgraceful war on Americans
You have been reading an article entitled, American City Homicide Awards 2021 published on August 6, 2022 on AbolishTheDEA.com. For more information about America's disgraceful drug war, which is anti-patient, anti-minority, anti-scientific, anti-mother nature, imperialistic, the establishment of the Christian Science religion, a violation of the natural law upon which America was founded, and a childish and counterproductive way of looking at the world, one which causes all of the problems that it purports to solve, and then some, visit the drug war philosopher, at abolishTheDEA.com. (philosopher's bio; go to top of this page)
You have been reading an article entitled, American City Homicide Awards 2021 published on August 6, 2022 on AbolishTheDEA.com. For more information about America's disgraceful drug war, which is anti-patient, anti-minority, anti-scientific, anti-mother nature, imperialistic, the establishment of the Christian Science religion, a violation of the natural law upon which America was founded, and a childish and counterproductive way of looking at the world, one which causes all of the problems that it purports to solve, and then some, visit the drug war philosopher, at abolishTheDEA.com. (philosopher's bio; go to top of this page)
