bird icon for twitter bird icon for twitter


Plants Divine, All Plants Excelling

by Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher





November 14, 2019



Live from the Second Church of the Eleusinian Mysteries1 -- at a location that the DEA has been torturing suspects to discover for the last ten years...



Let's all turn to hymn #355, "Plants Divine, All Plants Excelling." And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four...




Verse 1


Plants divine, all plants excelling
Not a gift for man to shun
Psychoactively restoring
Weary souls a sense of fun

But the prudish claim this bounty's
From a source we should not tap
So they outlaw Mother Nature
What a pile of bovine crap


Verse 2


Age-ed souls in homes of sadness
Shorn of meaning and of hope
Find in psilocybin's madness
Ways to prosper and to cope

Yet the narc with IQ zero
Seeks to keep the status quo
Forcing sick and dying patients
To encounter needless woe



Verse 3


Thank we now the forest shaman
Who dispenses sacred balm
Plants and fungi from the jungle
Sure to teach us as they calm

Yet the despots slander nature
Curse the plants that ease the brain
Check our urine at the job site
To ensure we all refrain


Verse 4


Bursting with ungrateful chutzpah
Tyrants outlaw healing plants
Drugs that when provided rightly
Make the suicidal dance

Yet, the heartless politician
Claims that "drugs" are just the pits
Yet they never give up liquor
What amazing hypocrites


Verse 5


Ayahuasca's non-addictive
Grows new neurons in the brain
Makes the most besotted drinker
From his poison to refrain

Yet, the shrinks from here to Parma
Make it clearly understood
We must buy pills from Big Pharma 2 3
Till we're hooked upon them good



Okay, you may all be seated. Thanks for that rousing performance of hymn #355, "Plants Divine, All Plants Excelling," a paeon of praise to the therapeutic power of rain forest plants, both known and yet to be discovered. Let's all take one complete silent minute to thank God for providing us with such. And... begin!

[one minute transpires]

Good thing that we don't outlaw those plants and try to burn them almost any chance we get, right, folks? I mean, wouldn't that be stupid? The work of a real jackass, in fact!

Oh, wait a minute, I forgot: that's exactly what we "do do," isn't it, Ben, in this so-called scientific country of ours? We confiscate and burn those psychologically therapeutic plants. And then we monitor the country's piss to make sure that no one dares apply to nature for psychological healing and perfection. Am I right or am I right?

Ben Stupidson, ladies and gentlemen, DEA agent, third pew from the back. Oh, sorry, apparently that's STUARTSON.

I don't wanna call Ben on the carpet, but he's so seldom in church, I can't pass up this opportunity to make him squirm.

No, just kidding, Ben. Just kidding. All do offend. I say all.

Mind you, we don't all go out of our way to burn and confiscate plants that improve consciousness, give us an inkling of divinity, and even have the potential to cure Alzheimer's by growing new neurons.

Where are you going, Ben? I repeat: we're all sinners. It's just that your sin of choice happens to align with the subject of today's sermon.

OK, well, if you have to go. I trust we're still going to see you at tonight's pot luck.

Ben's like: "Right. I'm gonna be there, if only to make sure that you're not using actual pot!"

Just kidding, Ben, come back here.

Let's pause for a moment and pray for Ben's soul. That's right: let's forgive him for permitting over 40 years of needless suffering by outlawing plants, especially those non-addictive psychedelics that can pack the benefits of five years of psychotherapy into one afternoon.

God, we come before you today, saddened that Ben Stupidson - sorry, God, I mean STUARTSON - is determined to block mere research, let alone actual use, of your mind-improving natural plants. Please don't be too harsh on him. Remember that he lives in a country that has scapegoated plants for many decades, thus giving dirty politics and lame social policies a free pass. Amen.

We've forgiven you, Ben, if that helps any. No, I think he's gone now. Fiddlesticks. Well, I guess you can't save everybody, especially on MY salary.

No, seriously, folks.

And now my sermon, based on the hymn of the same name: "Plants Divine, All Plants Excelling."

As always, if there are any penitent Drug Warriors in the room, feel free to come up during the sermon, kneel here at the altar, and receive forgiveness for your role in preventing the therapeutic use of Mother Nature's godsend plants.

We've got a two-fer going on today, by the way, folks: I will forgive you not simply for blocking valuable drug research, but also for callously locking up millions of Americans for the mere possession of.... horror of horrors... NATURALLY GROWING PLANTS!!!



Notes:

1: The Eleusinian Mysteries: A Gateway to the Afterlife in Greek Beliefs (up)
2: How Drug Company Money Is Undermining Science (up)
3: Why Is Biopharma Paying 75% of The FDA’s Drug Division Budget? (up)


Comedy




The drug war is laughable -- or it would be if the drug warriors hadn't deprived us of laughing gas, the substance that William James himself used to study alternate realities.

  • A Dope Comedy Routine About Drugs
  • A Drug Warrior in our Midst
  • A Misguided Tour of Monticello
  • American City Homicide Awards 2021
  • Blowing Up Arkansas
  • Campfire Stories about America's Drug War
  • Comedian Adderall Zoloft Riffs on the Drug War
  • COPS PRESENTS the top 10 traffic stops of 2023
  • Dragnet meets the Drug War
  • Drug War Comedy Routine
  • Drug War Copaganda
  • Drug War Jeopardy!
  • Drug War: the Musical!
  • Funny Animated Gifs about America's imperialist and racist Drug War
  • One of these things is not like the other
  • Plants Divine, All Plants Excelling
  • Public Service Announcements for the Post-Drug War Era
  • Rat Out Your Neighbors
  • The DEA: Poisoning Americans since 1973
  • The Drug War Board Game
  • The Joy of Drug Testing
  • The Only Good Hippo...
  • Thought Crimes Blotter
  • Torture 101 at DEA University
  • We have nothing to fear but the drug war itself
  • What's My Line?





    • Ten Tweets

    against the hateful war on US




    Trump supports the drug war and Big Pharma: the two forces that have turned me into a patient for life with dependence-causing antidepressants. Big Pharma makes the pills, and the drug war outlaws all viable alternatives.

    There are definitely good scientists out there. Unfortunately, they are either limited by their materialist orthodoxy into showing only specific microscopic evidence or they abandon materialism for the nonce and talk the common psychological sense that we all understand.

    The drug war normalizes the disdainful and self-righteous attitude that Columbus and Pizarro had about drug use in the New World.

    All of our problems with opioids and opiates could have been avoided had the busybody Chicken Littles in America left well enough alone and let folks continue to smoke regulated opium peaceably in their own homes.

    The war on drugs is has destroyed America's faith in the power of education. In fact, it has made us think of education as WRONG in and of itself. It has made us prefer censorship and fear-filled ignorance to education!

    The December Scientific American features a story called "The New Nuclear Age," about a trillion-dollar plan to add 100s of ICBM's to 5 states, which an SA editorial calls "kick me" signs. This Neanderthal plan comes from pols who think that compassion-boosting drugs are evil!

    Do drug warriors realize that they are responsible for the deaths of young people on America's streets? Look in the mirror, folks: J'excuse! People were not dying en masse from opium overdoses when opiates were legal. It took your prohibition to accomplish that! Stop arresting, start teaching safe use!

    I'm grateful to the folks who are coming out of the woodwork at the last minute to deface their own properties with "Trump 2024" signs. Now I'll know who to thank should Trump get elected and sell us out to Putin.

    This is why it's wrong to dismiss drugs as "good" or "bad." There are endless potential positive uses to psychoactive drugs. That's all that we should ask of them.

    In a sane world, we would learn to strategically fight drugs with drugs.


    Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






    In Praise of Augustus Bedloe
    Harold & Kumar Support the Drug War


    Copyright 2025 abolishthedea.com, Brian Quass

    (up)