Essay date: May 13, 2020

Comedian Adderall Zoloft Riffs on the Drug War

the only comedian whose stand-up routine is listed as Schedule One by the DEA




Stand-up comedy routine about America's disgraceful drug war, starring Adderall Zoloft

MCEE: Introducing the man who has passed more drugs tests than any other comedian on the planet.

ADDERALL: On Planet Mars, that is.

LAUGHTER

EMCEE: Let's hear it for Adderall Zoloft.

ADDERALL: Hey, use me only as directed, folks.

APPLAUSE

ADDERALL: Here's a little riddle to warm you guys up. What do you get when you cross banisteriopsis caapi with psychotria viridis?

PAXIL: I don't know. What do you get when you cross banisteriopsis caapi with psychotria viridis?

ADDERALL: Ten to twenty years in the state penitentiary.

DRUM

LAUGHTER

No, seriously. You actually get ayahuasca if you're lucky.

PAXIL: Ayahuasca?

ADDERALL: That's right. Ayahuasca. Speaking of which, did you know that there's actually a church in America that has won the legal right to use ayahuasca in its religious rituals?

APPLAUSE

I kid you not. Needless to say, the DEA fought that one all the way to the Supreme Court.

PAXIL: That figures.

ADDERALL: I'm happy to report however that they lost that final case, 9 to freakin' zero.

APPLAUSE

PICTURE1

I don't like to gloat, but when I heard that outcome, I was like, "In your face, with a can of mace!"

LAUGHTER

PAXIL: I know what you mean, Adderall.

ADDERALL: Really?

PAXIL: Yeah. I myself was like, "Up your nose with a garden hose!"

LAUGHTER

ADDERALL: Paxil Busspar, ladies and gentlemen, my loyal sidekick. How are you tonight, Paxil?

APPLAUSE

PAXIL: I'm doing great, Adderall.

ADDERALL: Oh, really?

PAXIL: Yes, I just passed my drug test to work at Taco Bell.

LAUGHTER

ADDERALL: Your parents must be so proud of you.

PAXIL: I know, right?

ADDERALL: But I'm a little puzzled.

PAXIL: Oh, really? How so?

ADDERALL: I thought you agreed with me that drug testing was so much Christian Science bull [bleep].

PAXIL: Yes, I usually do, but this drug test was actually fair for a change.

ADDERALL: The drug test was fair? What do you mean?

PAXIL: Well, after the test was over, the lab guys actually congratulated me for the drug that I had in my system. They said I had chosen well.

ADDERALL: That's interesting. And what drug did you have in your system, Paxil?

PAXIL: I can't tell you and give away the answer.

DRUM

LAUGHTER

ADDERALL: Fair point.

PAXIL: Suffice it to say that it was a so called entheogen, and it helped sharpen my thinking and made me more friendly and compassionate. The lab guys actually said that it would help make me a valuable addition to the Taco Bell work force.

LAUGHTER

ADDERALL: Aha. I bet it was a mushroom from the genus psilocybe.

PAXIL: Tut tut Adderall. Nice try, but I'm not going to give away the answer, since you haven't taken this particular drug test yet.

ADDERALL: Fair enough, Paxil. Fair enough. I'm actually waiting for someone to create a church around the ritual use of psilocybin.

APPLAUSE

PAXIL: Good for you.

ADDERALL: Say, Paxil, is it legal to murder a ghost?

PAXIL: I don't know. There's precious little case law in that area. Why do you ask?

ADDERALL: I was thinking of summoning the ghost of Francis Burton Harrison via Ouija Board and then beating the crap out of him, for outlawing opium in 1914.

PAXIL: I'm afraid that would never work, Adderall.

ADDERALL: Why not, Paxil?

PAXIL: Because Francis's ghost would realize that the seance was a set-up job, and so he would never appear.

LAUGHTER

ADDERALL: Well, I'm still mighty sore at that bonehead.

PAXIL: Me too, Adderall.

ADDERALL: That man up-ended American democracy with his so-called Narcotics Act which, for the first time in American history, criminalized a freakin' plant.

BOO

PAXIL: Now, Adderall, watch your blood pressure.

ADDERALL: I know, Paxil, but the man succeeded single-handedly in replacing the natural law on which America was founded with common law, criminalizing plants, which are the birth right of anyone who is born on planet earth.

APPLAUSE

PAXIL: Well, I'm sure he meant well, Paxil.

ADDERALL: Meant well? The man is responsible for millions of unnecessary deaths.

PAXIL: Remember your blood pressure.

ADDERALL: And he single-handedly created a violent movie genre in which sanctimonious Americans go south to intervene in supposedly sovereign countries in order to shoot Latinos.

GASP

BOO

And why? Because they're selling plant-based medicines that have been used responsibly for millennia by non-western cultures.

PAXIL: We've talked about this, Adderall. Your audiences don't like it when you get on your high horse.

ADDERALL: It's just pops my buttons, that's all.

PAXIL: I know.

ADDERALL: I mean, stop the god [bleep] war on mother nature's [bleep] plants already.

PAXIL: It sounds like somebody didn't get a nap this afternoon.

[baby cries]

LAUGHTER

ADDERALL: Sorry about that, Paxil. Now then, where were we?

PAXIL: I think we were just getting to the part where everything that we say is hilarious and elicits hearty guffaws from the audience.

ADDERALL: You hear that, audience? Watch for your cue now.

LAUGHTER

PAXIL: I know, why don't you tell a joke?

ADDERALL: Good idea. Okay, let's see. What do you get when you cross an anti-Chinese electorate with WASP Americans who have a jaundiced view of mother nature's plants and fungi?

PAXIL: I don't know. What do you get when you cross an anti-Chinese electorate with WASP Americans who have a jaundiced view of mother nature's plants and fungi?

ADDERALL: You get the Harrison Narcotics Act of 1914, that's what you get.

DRUM

LAUGHTER

PAXIL: Oh, there you go again!

DRUM

LAUGHTER

EMCEE: Let's hear it for the only comedian whose stand-up routine is listed as schedule one by the DEA.

ADDERALL: That's right folks. They can't even study me in laboratories without an act of Congress.

EMCEE: Adderall Zoloft!

Next essay: The Whistle Blower who NOBODY wants to hear
Previous essay: Unscientific American

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The Schedule I Gift Shop

Help the Drug War philosopher spend more time trashing the idiotic drug war. Purchase products from my Schedule I Gift Shop at Cafepress.com. Want to make money rather than spend it? Send me your anti-drug-war artwork and photos for inclusion on my drug war products and get 50% of all sale proceeds that those products generate. Email quass@quass.com for details.


This is your Brain on Godsend Plant Medicine: Stop the Drug War from demonizing godsend plant medicines. Psychoactive plant medicines are godsends, not devil spawn.

End Drug War Sharia: Re-Legalize Plants: Speak common sense to power: end the war against Mother Nature's medicines.

Monticello Betrayed Thomas Jefferson: By demonizing plant medicine, the Drug War overthrew the Natural Law upon which Jefferson founded America -- and brazenly confiscated the Founding Father's poppy plants in 1987, in a symbolic coup against Jeffersonian freedoms.

End the Christian Science Drug War: The war on plant medicine is the establishment of the Christian Science religion, which tell us it is somehow moral to do without godsend plant medicine.

Drug Testing For Tobacco And Liquor Decal: Slap this sticker on a urinal to remind urinating drug warriors of the hypocrisy of their war on godsend plant medicine.

The Dea Poisoned Americans Bumper Sticker: In the 1980s, DEA Chief John C. Lawn laced marijuana plants with Paraquat, a weed killer that has since been shown to cause Parkinson's Disease.

No Drug War Keychains: The key to ending the Drug War is to spread the word about the fact that it is Anti-American, unscientific and anti-minority (for starters)

Stop Demonizing Plant Medicine Car Bumper Magnet: Today the word

old time radio playing Drug War comedy sketches





You have been reading essays by the Drug War Philosopher, Brian Quass, at abolishthedea.com. Brian has written for Sociodelic and is the author of The Drug War Comic Book, which contains 150 political cartoons illustrating some of the seemingly endless problems with the war on drugs -- many of which only Brian seems to have noticed, by the way, judging by the recycled pieties that pass for analysis these days when it comes to "drugs." That's not surprising, considering the fact that the category of "drugs" is a political category, not a medical or scientific one.

A "drug," as the world defines the term today, is "a substance that has no good uses for anyone, ever, at any time, under any circumstances" -- and, of course, there are no substances of that kind: even cyanide and the deadly botox toxin have positive uses: a war on drugs is therefore unscientific at heart, to the point that it truly qualifies as a superstition, one in which we turn inanimate substances into boogie-men and scapegoats for all our social problems.

The Drug War is, in fact, the philosophical problem par excellence of our time, premised as it is on a raft of faulty assumptions (notwithstanding the fact that most philosophers today pretend as if the drug war does not exist). It is a war against the poor, against minorities, against religion, against science, against the elderly, against the depressed, against those in pain, against children in hospice care, and against philosophy itself. It outlaws substances that have inspired entire religions, Nazi fies the English language and militarizes police forces nationwide. In short, it causes all of the problems that it purports to solve, and then some, meanwhile violating the Natural Law upon which Thomas Jefferson founded America.

If you believe in freedom and democracy, in America and around the world, please stay tuned for more philosophically oriented broadsides against the outrageous war on godsend medicines, AKA the war on drugs.

Site and its contents copyright 2023, by Brian B. Quass, the drug war philosopher at abolishthedea.com. For more information, contact Brian at quass@quass.com.