Homepage of the Drug War Philosopher, Brian Quass
blog icon orange rss icon with stylized radio waves bird icon for twitter bird icon for twitter substack icon


back navigation arrow forward navigation arrow


Comedian Adderall Zoloft Riffs on the Drug War

the only comedian whose stand-up routine is listed as Schedule One by the DEA

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

May 13, 2020



EMCEE: Introducing the man who has passed more drugs tests than any other comedian on the planet.

ADDERALL: On Planet Mars, that is.

[laughter]

EMCEE: Let's hear it for Adderall Zoloft.

ADDERALL: Hey, use me only as directed, folks.

[applause]

ADDERALL: Here's a little riddle to warm you guys up. What do you get when you cross banisteriopsis caapi with psychotria viridis?

PAXIL: I don't know. What do you get when you cross banisteriopsis caapi with psychotria viridis?

ADDERALL: Ten to twenty years in the state penitentiary.

[drum]

[laughter]

No, seriously. You actually get ayahuasca if you're lucky.

PAXIL: Ayahuasca?

ADDERALL: That's right. Ayahuasca. Speaking of which, did you know that there's actually a church in America that has won the legal right to use ayahuasca in its religious rituals?

[applause]

I kid you not. Needless to say, the DEA fought that one all the way to the Supreme Court.

PAXIL: That figures.

ADDERALL: I'm happy to report however that they lost that final case, 9 to freakin' zero.

[applause]

PICTURE1

I don't like to gloat, but when I heard that outcome, I was like, "In your face, with a can of mace!"

[laughter]

PAXIL: I know what you mean, Adderall.

ADDERALL: Really?

PAXIL: Yeah. I myself was like, "Up your nose with a garden hose!"

[laughter]

ADDERALL: Paxil Busspar, ladies and gentlemen, my loyal sidekick. How are you tonight, Paxil?

[applause]

PAXIL: I'm doing great, Adderall.

ADDERALL: Oh, really?

PAXIL: Yes, I just passed my drug test to work at Taco Bell.

[laughter]

ADDERALL: Your parents must be so proud of you.

PAXIL: I know, right?

ADDERALL: But I'm a little puzzled.

PAXIL: Oh, really? How so?

ADDERALL: I thought you agreed with me that drug testing 1 was so much Christian Science bull [bleep].

PAXIL: Yes, I usually do, but this drug test was actually fair for a change.

ADDERALL: The drug test was fair? What do you mean?

PAXIL: Well, after the test was over, the lab guys actually congratulated me for the drug that I had in my system. They said I had chosen well.

ADDERALL: That's interesting. And what drug did you have in your system, Paxil?

PAXIL: I can't tell you and give away the answer.

[drum]

[laughter]

ADDERALL: Fair point.

PAXIL: Suffice it to say that it was a so called entheogen, and it helped sharpen my thinking and made me more friendly and compassionate. The lab guys actually said that it would help make me a valuable addition to the Taco Bell work force.

[laughter]

ADDERALL: Aha. I bet it was a mushroom from the genus psilocybe.

PAXIL: Tut tut Adderall. Nice try, but I'm not going to give away the answer, since you haven't taken this particular drug test yet.

ADDERALL: Fair enough, Paxil. Fair enough. I'm actually waiting for someone to create a church around the ritual use of psilocybin.

[applause]

PAXIL: Good for you.

ADDERALL: Say, Paxil, is it legal to murder a ghost?

PAXIL: I don't know. There's precious little case law in that area. Why do you ask?

ADDERALL: I was thinking of summoning the ghost of Francis Burton Harrison via Ouija Board and then beating the crap out of him, for outlawing opium 2 in 1914.

PAXIL: I'm afraid that would never work, Adderall.

ADDERALL: Why not, Paxil?

PAXIL: Because Francis's ghost would realize that the seance was a set-up job, and so he would never appear.

[laughter]

ADDERALL: Well, I'm still mighty sore at that bonehead.

PAXIL: Me too, Adderall.

ADDERALL: That man up-ended American democracy with his so-called Narcotics Act which, for the first time in American history, criminalized a freakin' plant.

[boo]

PAXIL: Now, Adderall, watch your blood pressure.

ADDERALL: I know, Paxil, but the man succeeded single-handedly in replacing the natural law on which America was founded with common law, criminalizing plants, which are the birth right of anyone who is born on planet earth.

[applaud]

PAXIL: Well, I'm sure he meant well, Paxil.

ADDERALL: Meant well? The man is responsible for millions of unnecessary deaths.

PAXIL: Remember your blood pressure.

ADDERALL: And he single-handedly created a violent movie genre in which sanctimonious Americans go south to intervene in supposedly sovereign countries in order to shoot Latinos.

[gasp]

[boo]

And why? Because they're selling plant-based medicines that have been used responsibly for millennia by non-western cultures.

PAXIL: We've talked about this, Adderall. Your audiences don't like it when you get on your high horse.

ADDERALL: It's just pops my buttons, that's all.

PAXIL: I know.

ADDERALL: I mean, stop the god [bleep] war on Mother Nature's [bleep] plants already.

PAXIL: It sounds like somebody didn't get a nap this afternoon.

[baby cries]

[laughter]

ADDERALL: Sorry about that, Paxil. Now then, where were we?

PAXIL: I think we were just getting to the part where everything that we say is hilarious and elicits hearty guffaws from the audience.

ADDERALL: You hear that, audience? Watch for your cue now.

[laughter]

PAXIL: I know, why don't you tell a joke?

ADDERALL: Good idea. Okay, let's see. What do you get when you cross an anti-Chinese electorate with WASP Americans who have a jaundiced view of Mother Nature's plants and fungi?

PAXIL: I don't know. What do you get when you cross an anti-Chinese electorate with WASP Americans who have a jaundiced view of Mother Nature's plants and fungi?

ADDERALL: You get the Harrison Narcotics Act of 1914, that's what you get.

[drum]

[laughter]

PAXIL: Oh, there you go again!

[drum]

[laughter]

EMCEE: Let's hear it for the only comedian whose stand-up routine is listed as schedule one by the DEA.

ADDERALL: That's right folks. They can't even study me in laboratories without an act of Congress.

EMCEE: Adderall Zoloft!











Notes:

1: Drug Testing and the Christian Science Inquisition DWP (up)
2: The Truth About Opium by William H. Brereton DWP (up)




read more essays here





Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




My impression has been that the use of cocaine over a long time can bring about lasting improvement..." --Sigmund Freud, On Cocaine, 1884

The problem with blaming things on addiction genes is that it whitewashes the role of society and its laws. It's easy to imagine an enlightened country wherein drug availability, education and attitudes make addiction highly unlikely, addiction genes or no addiction genes.

America is an "arrestocracy" thanks to the war on drugs.

"All these anti-opium articles... are based upon the same model. They assume certain statements as existing and acknowledged facts which have never been proved to be such, and then proceed to draw deductions from those alleged facts." --William Brereton

Drug warriors are too selfish and short-sighted to fight real problems, so they blame everything on drugs.

What attracts me about "drug dealers" is that they are NOT interested in prying into my private life. What a relief! With psychiatry, you are probed for pathological behavior on every office visit. You are a child. To the "drug dealer," I am an adult at least.

Many psychedelic fans are still drug warriors at heart. They just think that a nice big exception should be carved out for the drugs that they're suddenly finding useful.

In "The Book of the Damned," Charles Fort writes about the data that science has damned, by which he means "excluded." The fact that drugs can inspire and elate is one such fact, although when Fort wrote his anti-materialist broadside, drug prohibition was in its infancy.

Wonder how America got to the point where we let the Executive Branch arrest judges? Look no further than the Drug War, which, since the 1970s, has demonized Constitutional protections as impediments to justice.

Had we really wanted to "help" users, we would have used the endless godsends of Mother Nature and related synthetics to provide spirit-lifting alternatives to problem use. But no one wanted to treat users as normal humans. They wanted to pathologize and moralize their use.


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






back navigation arrow forward navigation arrow
Book Cover

Break the ice with a sledgehammer: place this book on your coffee table.

This book features 150 annotated images, designed to force brainwashed Americans to confront the fact that drug prohibition is wrong. Here is what author Richard Parrish II says of the book's compiler: "The drug prohibition philosopher provides first-hand, principled, persuasive, and insightful arguments against the current drug prohibition regime..."

Purchase Your Copy
Book Cover

Drama lovers: collect full-cast recordings of classic plays

In my spare time, when I am not shaming drug warriors for their heartless drug policies, I create full-cast recordings of classic plays using the latest in synthetic voices licensed by the Natural Reader company. Snag your copy of my production of Volpone, by Ben Jonson... and follow me on Payhip for more where that came from, including classics like The Post Office, The Double Dealer and The Inspector General. -- Yours in all-too-justified outrage, the Drug War Philosopher @ abolishthedea.com.

Purchase Your Copy



No cookies, no ads paid for by amoral and immoral billionaires (or trillionaires).


Unless otherwise indicated, no AI is used in the creation of site content. These essays represent the original ideas of their author and not the ideas that the author SHOULD have based on an algorithmic parsing of existing data. For more on this subject, consider the AI-related viewpoints to which the author subscribes as delineated in the New York Times opinion piece entitled "What 370,000 College Essays Tell Us About A.I.’s Effects on Creativity" by Rebecca Winthrop of the Brookings Institution.

The Partnership for a Death Free America is a proud sponsor of The Drug War Philosopher website @ abolishthedea.com.


Copyright 2026, Brian Ballard Quass Contact: quass@quass.com

tombstone for American Democracy, 1776-2024, RIP (up)