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The DEA: Poisoning Americans since 1973

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

April 16, 2020



EMCEE: Live from the DEA Lounge, it's the man who put the "psycho" in "psychoactive."

[laughter]

Mr. Johnny O'Clonopan.

That's my name, use it only as directed.

[laughter]
[applause]





Thank you. Oh, you're too kind.

I will never understand how I got this gig at the DEA Lounge here in downtown Washington, D.C.

[laughter]

Apparently, the Human Relations staff failed to check my politics before signing me up.

The truth be told, I believe that the Drug War is...

1) Anti-patient.

[gasp]

2) Anti-scientific.

[gasp]

3) Anti-minority.

[gasp]

4) A violation of the natural law upon which this country was founded.

[gasp]

5) A way for conservatives to steal elections by locking up thousands of their political opponents.

[gasp]

6) A make-work program for law enforcement that is their golden goose thanks to the highly lucrative forfeiture of so-called drug property.

[gasp]

7) A protection racket designed to shield Big Pharma and Big Liquor from competition.

[gasp]

And an excuse to invade other countries, often with the goal of burning plants that have been used responsibly for millennia by the locals but which now pose an unacceptable competition to the American liquor industry.

Well, aren't you guys going to gasp?

[gasp]

That's more like it.

[drum]

[laughter]

No, seriously. How many of you saw Leslie Bibb, Nicolas Cage, and Laurence Fishburne in "Running with the Devil"?

[applause]

Well, that's depressing. I didn't realize it was that popular.

WOMAN: Oh, yes.

So, let me get this straight: Leslie Bibb is the DEA Chief and she gets to torture and murder mere suspects because they were dealing in....

[drum]

...oh, how horrible...

PLANTS???

[laughter]

Thomas Jefferson is not simply rolling in his grave, he is doing handsprings and cartwheels.

[laughter]

I mean, did somebody say "Whirling Dervish"?

CROWD: Whirling Dervish!

I thought so. But then the DEA never cared much for Thomas Jefferson anyway. Thirty-five years ago, they stomped onto Monticello 1 in their jackboots and stole the man's poppy plants.

[boo]

I know, right? Let me tell you something, folks. U.S. elections aren't being swayed by the Russians, they're being stolen by American movie producers, like the ones responsible for this little 90-minute bit of Drug War propaganda.

MAN: That's right.

[applause]

I'd better get out of here. I hear they're having a celebration for former DEA head John C. Lawn. You remember Mr Lawn. He was the guy who tried to poison American pot smokers back in the 1970s by lacing marijuana plants with paraquat, a weed killer that has subsequently been shown to cause Parkinson's Disease.

[boo]

What can I say? Your tax dollars at work during America's Drug War.

WOMAN: Disgusting

You took the hash right out of my bong, lady.

[drum]

[laughter]

Here's an idea. Since he likes that stuff so much, why don't we all chip in together and get him a birthday cake laced with the weed killer of his choice?

[siren wails]

Hey, I was just kidding. I would never try to poison someone with paraquat, unlike certain former DEA chiefs that I know.

[drum]

[laughter]

MAN: For sheezy my neezy.

It's scary, though, because 35 years later, Master Poisoner John C. Lawn remains a hero in the eyes of the DEA, and if that doesn't tell you how corrupt this agency is, then nothing will.

WOMAN: Word.

[applause]

My name is Johnny O'Clonopan, and my comedy is every bit as addictive as my Big Pharma 2 3 namesake, baby. I'll be here until Friday, or until the DEA finally figures out that I hate their friggin' guts.

[applause]

[laughter]

EMCEE: Let's put some hands together, please, gang, for Johnny O'Clonopan.











Notes:

1: The Dark Side of the Monticello Foundation DWP (up)
2: Seife, Charles. 2012. “Is Drug Research Trustworthy?” Scientific American 307 (6): 56–63. https://doi.org/10.1038/scientificamerican1212-56. (up)
3: LaMattina, John. n.d. “Why Is Biopharma Paying 75% of the FDA’s Drug Division Budget?” Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/johnlamattina/2022/09/22/why-is-biopharma-paying-75-of-the-fdas-drug-division-budget/. (up)




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Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




The outlawing of opium eventually resulted in an "opioid crisis"? The message is clear: people want self-transcendence. If we don't let them find it safely, they will find it dangerously.

Imagine if there were drugs for which dependency was a feature, not a bug. People would stop peddling that junk, right? Wrong. Just ask your psychiatrist.

The Drug War is based on two HUGE lies: 1) that prohibition has no downsides, & 2) that drug use has no upsides.

The DEA should be put on trial for crimes against humanity for withholding godsend medicine from the depressed. Here is just one typical drug-user report that appeared in "Pihkal": "A glimpse of what true heaven is supposed to feel like..."

Politicians protect a drug that kills 178,000 a year via a constitutional amendment, and then they outlaw all less lethal alternatives. To enforce the ban, they abrogate the 4th amendment and encourage drug testing to ensure that drug war heretics starve.

The DEA is a Schedule I agency. It has no known positive uses.

Drug Prohibition is a crime against humanity. It outlaws our right to take care of our own health.

Laughing gas inspired the philosophy of William James. Outlawing N20 is outlawing academic freedom. Laughing gas should be available for the suicidal. Drug prohibition is not a victimless crime.

I'm told antidepressant withdrawal is fine because it doesn't cause cravings. Why is it better to feel like hell than to have a craving? In any case, cravings are caused by prohibition. A sane world could also end cravings with the help of other drugs.

Just think how much money bar owners in the Old West would have saved on restoration expenses if they had served MDMA instead of whiskey.


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






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