EMCEE: Live from the DEA Lounge, it's the man who put the "psycho" in "psychoactive."
[laughter]
Mr. Johnny O'Clonopan.
That's my name, use it only as directed.
[laughter]
[applause]
Thank you. Oh, you're too kind.
I will never understand how I got this gig at the DEA Lounge here in downtown Washington, D.C.
[laughter]
Apparently, the Human Relations staff failed to check my politics before signing me up.
The truth be told, I believe that the Drug War is...
1) Anti-patient.
[gasp]
2) Anti-scientific.
[gasp]
3) Anti-minority.
[gasp]
4) A violation of the natural law upon which this country was founded.
[gasp]
5) A way for conservatives to steal elections by locking up thousands of their political opponents.
[gasp]
6) A make-work program for law enforcement that is their golden goose thanks to the highly lucrative forfeiture of so-called drug property.
[gasp]
7) A protection racket designed to shield Big Pharma and Big Liquor from competition.
[gasp]
And an excuse to invade other countries, often with the goal of burning plants that have been used responsibly for millennia by the locals but which now pose an unacceptable competition to the American liquor industry.
Well, aren't you guys going to gasp?
[gasp]
That's more like it.
[drum]
[laughter]
No, seriously. How many of you saw Leslie Bibb, Nicolas Cage, and Laurence Fishburne in "Running with the Devil"?
[applause]
Well, that's depressing. I didn't realize it was that popular.
WOMAN: Oh, yes.
So, let me get this straight: Leslie Bibb is the DEA Chief and she gets to torture and murder mere suspects because they were dealing in....
[drum]
...oh, how horrible...
PLANTS???
[laughter]
Thomas Jefferson is not simply rolling in his grave, he is doing handsprings and cartwheels.
[laughter]
I mean, did somebody say "Whirling Dervish"?
CROWD: Whirling Dervish!
I thought so. But then the DEA never cared much for Thomas Jefferson anyway. Thirty-five years ago, they stomped onto Monticello 1 in their jackboots and stole the man's poppy plants.
[boo]
I know, right? Let me tell you something, folks. U.S. elections aren't being swayed by the Russians, they're being stolen by American movie producers, like the ones responsible for this little 90-minute bit of Drug War propaganda.
MAN: That's right.
[applause]
I'd better get out of here. I hear they're having a celebration for former DEA head John C. Lawn. You remember Mr Lawn. He was the guy who tried to poison American pot smokers back in the 1970s by lacing marijuana plants with paraquat, a weed killer that has subsequently been shown to cause Parkinson's Disease.
[boo]
What can I say? Your tax dollars at work during America's Drug War.
WOMAN: Disgusting
You took the hash right out of my bong, lady.
[drum]
[laughter]
Here's an idea. Since he likes that stuff so much, why don't we all chip in together and get him a birthday cake laced with the weed killer of his choice?
[siren wails]
Hey, I was just kidding. I would never try to poison someone with paraquat, unlike certain former DEA chiefs that I know.
[drum]
[laughter]
MAN: For sheezy my neezy.
It's scary, though, because 35 years later, Master Poisoner John C. Lawn remains a hero in the eyes of the DEA, and if that doesn't tell you how corrupt this agency is, then nothing will.
WOMAN: Word.
[applause]
My name is Johnny O'Clonopan, and my comedy is every bit as addictive as my Big Pharma 23 namesake, baby. I'll be here until Friday, or until the DEA finally figures out that I hate their friggin' guts.
[applause]
[laughter]
EMCEE: Let's put some hands together, please, gang, for Johnny O'Clonopan.
If our loved ones should experience severe depression and visit an emergency room for treatment, they will be started on a regime of dependence-causing Big Pharma drugs. They will not be given any drugs that elate and inspire.
I passed a sign that says "Trust Trump." What does that mean? Trust him to crack down on his opposition using the U.S. Army? Or trust him not to do all the anti-American things that he's saying he's going to do.
There are no recreational drugs. Even laughing gas has rational uses because it gives us a break from morbid introspection. There are recreational USES of drugs, but the term "recreational" is often used to express our disdain for users who go outside the healthcare system.
American businesses judge people, not by the color of their skin but by the contents of their digestive systems.
Drug Warriors will publicize all sorts of drug use -- but they will never publicize sane and positive drug use. Drug Warrior dogma holds that such use is impossible -- and, indeed, the drug war does all it can to turn that prejudice into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Drug Prohibition Downside #1,529:
aviation accidents caused by pilots who failed to use mind-sharpening drugs to improve their situational awareness. (See, for instance, Comair flight 5191)
If we cared about the elderly in 'homes', we would be bringing in shamanic empaths and curanderos from Latin America to help cheer them up and expand their mental abilities. We would also immediately decriminalize the many drugs that could help safely when used wisely.
LA Police Chief Daryl Gates said drug users should be summarily executed. William Bennett said drug dealers should be beheaded. These are the Nazi attitudes that the drug war inculcates. This racist and brutal ideology must be wiped out.
In the age of the Drug War, the Hippocratic Oath has become "First, do no good."
The DEA is gaslighting Americans, telling them that drugs with obvious benefits have no benefits whatsoever. Scientists collude in this lie thanks to their adherence to the emotion-scorning principles of behaviorism.
(up)