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The DEA: Poisoning Americans since 1973

by Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher




April 16, 2020

MCEE: Live from the DEA Lounge, it's the man who put the "psycho" in "psychoactive."

[laughter]

Mr. Johnny O'Clonopan.

That's my name, use it only as directed.

[laughter]
[applause]





Thank you. Oh, you're too kind.

I will never understand how I got this gig at the DEA Lounge here in downtown Washington, D.C.

[laughter]

Apparently, the Human Relations staff failed to check my politics before signing me up.

The truth be told, I believe that the Drug War is...

1) Anti-patient.

[gasp]

2) Anti-scientific.

[gasp]

3) Anti-minority.

[gasp]

4) A violation of the natural law upon which this country was founded.

[gasp]

5) A way for conservatives to steal elections by locking up thousands of their political opponents.

[gasp]

6) A make-work program for law enforcement that is their golden goose thanks to the highly lucrative forfeiture of so-called drug property.

[gasp]

7) A protection racket designed to shield Big Pharma and Big Liquor from competition.

[gasp]

And an excuse to invade other countries, often with the goal of burning plants that have been used responsibly for millennia by the locals but which now pose an unacceptable competition to the American liquor industry.

Well, aren't you guys going to gasp?

[gasp]

That's more like it.

[drum]

[laughter]

No, seriously. How many of you saw Leslie Bibb, Nicolas Cage, and Laurence Fishburne in "Running with the Devil"?

[applause]

Well, that's depressing. I didn't realize it was that popular.

WOMAN: Oh, yes.

So, let me get this straight: Leslie Bibb is the DEA Chief and she gets to torture and murder mere suspects because they were dealing in....

[drum]

...oh, how horrible...

PLANTS???

[laughter]

Thomas Jefferson is not simply rolling in his grave, he is doing handsprings and cartwheels.

[laughter]

I mean, did somebody say "Whirling Dervish"?

CROWD: Whirling Dervish!

I thought so. But then the DEA never cared much for Thomas Jefferson anyway. Thirty-five years ago, they stomped onto Monticello in their jackboots and stole the man's poppy plants.

[boo]

I know, right? Let me tell you something, folks. U.S. elections aren't being swayed by the Russians, they're being stolen by American movie producers, like the ones responsible for this little 90-minute bit of Drug War propaganda.

MAN: That's right.

[applause]

I'd better get out of here. I hear they're having a celebration for former DEA head John C. Lawn. You remember Mr Lawn. He was the guy who tried to poison American pot smokers back in the 1970s by lacing marijuana plants with paraquat, a weed killer that has subsequently been shown to cause Parkinson's Disease.

[boo]

What can I say? Your tax dollars at work during America's Drug War.

WOMAN: Disgusting

You took the hash right out of my bong, lady.

[drum]

[laughter]

Here's an idea. Since he likes that stuff so much, why don't we all chip in together and get him a birthday cake laced with the weed killer of his choice?

[siren wails]

Hey, I was just kidding. I would never try to poison someone with paraquat, unlike certain former DEA chiefs that I know.

[drum]

[laughter]

MAN: For sheezy my neezy.

It's scary, though, because 35 years later, Master Poisoner John C. Lawn remains a hero in the eyes of the DEA, and if that doesn't tell you how corrupt this agency is, then nothing will.

WOMAN: Word.

[applause]

My name is Johnny O'Clonopan, and my comedy is every bit as addictive as my Big Pharma namesake, baby. I'll be here until Friday, or until the DEA finally figures out that I hate their friggin' guts.

[applause]

[laughter]

EMCEE: Let's put some hands together, please, gang, for Johnny O'Clonopan.




Next essay: The Joy of Drug Testing
Previous essay: In Praise of Drug Dealers

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A Goliath that even David is afraid of
Rat Out Your Neighbors
Twelve Reasons why the DEA should be abolished
The Dark Side of the Monticello Foundation
Open Letter to Congressman Ben Cline, asking him to abolish the criminal DEA
Defund the DEA
The DEA's War on Alzheimer's Research
How the DEA determines if a religion is true
Put the DEA on Trial
Running with the DEA -- er, I mean the Devil
Torture 101 at DEA University
DEA Guilty of Crimes Against Humanity
Mycologists as DEA Collaborators
Running with the torture loving DEA
The DEA Scheduling System is Based on Lies
Drug War Bait and Switch
COPS: TV Show for Racist Drug Warriors
Jefferson
My conversation with the Thomas Jefferson Foundation
A Misguided Tour of Monticello
How the Jefferson Foundation Betrayed Thomas Jefferson



front cover of Drug War Comic Book

Buy the Drug War Comic Book by the Drug War Philosopher Brian Quass, featuring 150 hilarious op-ed pics about America's disgraceful war on Americans



You have been reading an article entitled, The DEA: Poisoning Americans since 1973 published on April 16, 2020 on AbolishTheDEA.com. For more information about America's disgraceful drug war, which is anti-patient, anti-minority, anti-scientific, anti-mother nature, imperialistic, the establishment of the Christian Science religion, a violation of the natural law upon which America was founded, and a childish and counterproductive way of looking at the world, one which causes all of the problems that it purports to solve, and then some, visit the drug war philosopher, at abolishTheDEA.com. (philosopher's bio; go to top of this page)