Essay date: November 6, 2022

Rat Out Your Neighbors

brought to you by America's DEA

Comedy Sketch about the disgraceful DEA

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Welcome to Rat Out Your Neighbors. I'm DEA field agent Adderall Zoloft, joined today in Washington by bureau chief Paxil Buspar. How are you today, Paxil?

PAXIL BUSPAR: I'm drug free, Adderall. How about you?

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Drug free and proud of it.

PAXIL BUSPAR: I've made some coffee. Help yourself.


Wait, aren't you having any?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Are you kidding me? I'm already buzzing like a top, thanks to these Red Bull Colas I've been throwing back all morning.

Oh, pardon me.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Sounds like an angel just got his wings.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Or a DEA agent just got his first M-4 assault rifle.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Primed and loaded, baby.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Kicking down America's doors since 1914.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Let's go straight to the phones now. The number, as always, is 1 800-RAT-BAIT. That's 1 800-RAT-BAIT. Call right now to rat out your friends and loved ones for using substances of which our government disapproves.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Wow, that was fast. Looks like we've got a caller already.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Hello there. You are on Rat Out Your Neighbors. Who are the scumbags that you would like to report?

CALLER: Yes, I'd like to report my creative writing teacher at college.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: I see. And what evil substance have you seen them using? I'm guessing coca or pot, right?

CALLER: Worse yet. It's opium.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Ex-squeeze me?

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: What? You mean they're using the substance whose name must not be spoken?

CALLER: Well, I haven't yet actually caught them in the act of using opium yet, but...

PAXIL BUSPAR: Please, don't use that word.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Yes, caller. You see, here at the DEA, we call it "the substance whose name must not be spoken."

CALLER: But he keeps going on about how opium can be used wisely to engender creativity.


CALLER: And telling us how the stories of Poe and Lovecraft, for instance, are full of so-called opiate imagery.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: And what imagery would that be, exactly?

CALLER: You know, like in the short story "Celaphais"
by HP Lovecraft, in which the protagonist, and I quote, wanders through...

"the spectral summer of narcotic flowers and humid seas of foliage that bring wild and many-coloured dreams."

PAXIL BUSPAR: Blasphemy.

CALLER: I know, right?

PAXIL BUSPAR: But I'm afraid that you really have to catch this professor with the goodies before we can kick down his door and scare his children and elderly grandmother to death.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: I feel for you, caller, but it's not yet quite illegal to speak about positive uses of evil substances like... like... you know what.

CALLER: You mean like opium?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Stop saying that word!

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Yes, caller, like the substance whose name must not be spoken.

CALLER: Sorry about that.

PAXIL BUSPAR: It's all good. Just keep an eye on this professor of yours and maybe even record his classes for us.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Yeah, then send us the tape when he incriminates himself.

CALLER: But isn't that illegal?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Illegal? That's a good one.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: You're talking to the DEA, caller. Where there's a will, there's a way, right?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Yeah, haven't you seen those movies like "Running with the Devil," where we hang suspects from meat hooks and shoot them in cold blood at point-blank range?

CALLER: Oh, right.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: That's why we're overseen by a drug czar, baby, so that everyone will know that we're going to play fast and loose with the U.S. constitution.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Because we're bad, we're bad, shamon, shamon!

CALLER: Do what?

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: And we're also out of time.


ADDERALL ZOLOFT: But join us next time for Rat Out Your Neighbors.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Brought to you by America's DEA.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Who reminds you to just say no...

ADDERALL AND PAXIL: Just say no...

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: all of mother nature's godsend medicines. Now, come on, Paxil. Let's take them out of here.

ADDERALL AND PAXIL: Because we're bad, we're bad, shamon, shamon!

Next essay: Richard Rudgley condemns 'drugs' with faint praise
Previous essay: Mental Illness and the Drug Apartheid of Julian Buchanan

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end America's disgraceful drug war: visit to learn more

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Stop the Drug War from demonizing godsend plant medicines. Psychoactive plant medicines are godsends, not devil spawn.

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old time radio playing Drug War comedy sketches

You have been reading essays by the Drug War Philosopher, Brian Quass, at Brian is the founder of The Drug War Gift Shop, where artists can feature and sell their protest artwork online. He has also written for Sociodelic and is the author of The Drug War Comic Book, which contains 150 political cartoons illustrating some of the seemingly endless problems with the war on drugs -- many of which only Brian seems to have noticed, by the way, judging by the recycled pieties that pass for analysis these days when it comes to "drugs." That's not surprising, considering the fact that the category of "drugs" is a political category, not a medical or scientific one.

A "drug," as the world defines the term today, is "a substance that has no good uses for anyone, ever, at any time, under any circumstances" -- and, of course, there are no substances of that kind: even cyanide and the deadly botox toxin have positive uses: a war on drugs is therefore unscientific at heart, to the point that it truly qualifies as a superstition, one in which we turn inanimate substances into boogie-men and scapegoats for all our social problems.

The Drug War is, in fact, the philosophical problem par excellence of our time, premised as it is on a raft of faulty assumptions (notwithstanding the fact that most philosophers today pretend as if the drug war does not exist). It is a war against the poor, against minorities, against religion, against science, against the elderly, against the depressed, against those in pain, against children in hospice care, and against philosophy itself. It outlaws substances that have inspired entire religions, Nazifies the English language and militarizes police forces nationwide.

It bans the substances that inspired William James' ideas about human consciousness and the nature of ultimate reality. In short, it causes all of the problems that it purports to solve, and then some, meanwhile violating the Natural Law upon which Thomas Jefferson founded America. (Surely, Jefferson was rolling over in his grave when Ronald Reagan's DEA stomped onto Monticello in 1987 and confiscated the founding father's poppy plants.)

If you believe in freedom and democracy, in America and around the world, please stay tuned for more philosophically oriented broadsides against the outrageous war on godsend medicines, AKA the war on drugs.

Brian Quass
The Drug War Philosopher

PS The drug war has not failed: to the contrary, it has succeeded, insofar as its ultimate goal was to militarize police forces around the world and help authorities to ruthlessly eliminate those who stand in the way of global capitalism. For more, see Drug War Capitalism by Dawn Paley.

Rather than apologetically decriminalizing selected plants, we should be demanding the immediate restoration of Natural Law, according to which "The earth, and all that is therein, is given to men for the support and comfort of their being." (John Locke)
Site and its contents copyright 2023, by Brian B. Quass, the drug war philosopher at For more information, contact Brian at