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Rat Out Your Neighbors

brought to you by America's DEA

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

November 6, 2022



ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Welcome to Rat Out Your Neighbors. I'm DEA field agent Adderall Zoloft, joined today in Washington by bureau chief Paxil Buspar. How are you today, Paxil?

PAXIL BUSPAR: I'm drug free, Adderall. How about you?

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Drug free and proud of it.

PAXIL BUSPAR: I've made some coffee. Help yourself.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Fantastic!

Wait, aren't you having any?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Are you kidding me? I'm already buzzing like a top, thanks to these Red Bull Colas I've been throwing back all morning.

Oh, pardon me.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Sounds like an angel just got his wings.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Or a DEA agent just got his first M-4 assault rifle.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Primed and loaded, baby.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Kicking down America's doors since 1973.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Let's go straight to the phones now. The number, as always, is 1 800-RAT-BAIT. That's 1 800-RAT-BAIT. Call right now to rat out your friends and loved ones for using substances of which our government disapproves.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Wow, that was fast. Looks like we've got a caller already.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Hello there. You are on Rat Out Your Neighbors. Who are the scumbags that you would like to report?


CALLER: Yes, I'd like to report my creative writing teacher at college.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: I see. And what evil substance have you seen them using? I'm guessing coca or pot, right?

CALLER: Worse yet. It's opium .

PAXIL BUSPAR: Ex-squeeze me?


ADDERALL ZOLOFT: What? You mean they're using the substance whose name must not be spoken?

CALLER: Well, I haven't yet actually caught them in the act of using opium yet, but...

PAXIL BUSPAR: Please, don't use that word.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Yes, caller. You see, here at the DEA, we call it "the substance whose name must not be spoken."

CALLER: But he keeps going on about how opium can be used wisely to engender creativity.

PAXIL BUSPAR: What?

CALLER: And telling us how the stories of Poe and Lovecraft, for instance, are full of so-called opiate imagery.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: And what imagery would that be, exactly?

CALLER: You know, like in the short story "Celaphais" by HP Lovecraft, in which the protagonist, and I quote, wanders through...


"the spectral summer of narcotic flowers and humid seas of foliage that bring wild and many-coloured dreams."



PAXIL BUSPAR: Blasphemy.

CALLER: I know, right?


PAXIL BUSPAR: But I'm afraid that you really have to catch this professor with the goodies before we can kick down his door and scare his children and elderly grandmother to death.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: I feel for you, caller, but it's not yet quite illegal to speak about positive uses of evil substances like... like... you know what.

CALLER: You mean like opium 1 ?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Stop saying that word!

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Yes, caller, like the substance whose name must not be spoken.

CALLER: Sorry about that.

PAXIL BUSPAR: It's all good. Just keep an eye on this professor of yours and maybe even record his classes for us.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Yeah, then send us the tape when he incriminates himself.

CALLER: But isn't that illegal?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Illegal? That's a good one.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: You're talking to the DEA, caller. Where there's a will, there's a way, right?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Yeah, haven't you seen those movies 2 3 like "Running with the Devil," where we hang suspects from meat hooks and shoot them in cold blood at point-blank range?

CALLER: Oh, right.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: That's why we're overseen by a drug czar, baby, so that everyone will know that we're going to play fast and loose with the U.S. constitution.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Because we're bad, we're bad, shamon, shamon!

CALLER: Do what?

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: And we're also out of time.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Oh, dear.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: But join us next time for Rat Out Your Neighbors.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Brought to you by America's DEA.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Who reminds you to just say no...

ADDERALL AND PAXIL: Just say no...

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: ...to all of Mother Nature's godsend medicines. Now, come on, Paxil. Let's take them out of here.

ADDERALL AND PAXIL: Because we're bad, we're bad, shamon, shamon!











Notes:

1: The Truth About Opium by William H. Brereton DWP (up)
2: Glenn Close but no cigar DWP (up)
3: Running with the torture loving DEA DWP (up)




read more essays here





Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




The Holy Trinity of the Drug War religion is Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and John Belushi. "They died so that you might fear psychoactive substances with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength."

If opium were legal, then most of the nostrums peddled by drug stores today would be irrelevant. (No wonder the drug war has staying power!)

Properly speaking, MDMA has killed no one at all. Prohibitionists were delighted when Leah Betts died because they were sure it was BECAUSE of MDMA/Ecstasy. Whereas it was because of the fact that prohibitionists refuse to teach safe use.

Imagine educational documentaries showing how folks manage to safely incorporate today's hated substances into their life and lifestyle.

Did the Vedic People have a substance disorder because they wanted to drink enough soma to see religious realities?

Psychiatrists never acknowledge the biggest downside to modern antidepressants: the fact that they turn you into a patient for life. That's demoralizing, especially since the best drugs for depression are outlawed by the government.

The benefits of outlawed drugs read like the ultimate wish-list for psychiatrists. It's a shame that so many of them are still mounting a rear guard action to defend their psychiatric pill mill -- which demoralizes clients by turning them into lifetime patients.

If we can go overseas to burn poppy plants, then Islamic countries should be free to come to the United States to burn our grape vines.

The drug war outlaws everything that could help both prevent addiction and treat it. And then they justify the war on drugs by scaring people with the specter of addiction. They NEED addiction to keep the drug war going.

Philip Jenkins reports that Rophynol had positive uses for treating mental disorders until the media called it the "date rape drug." We thus punished those who were benefitting from the drug, tho' the biggest drug culprit in date rape is alcohol. Oprah spread the fear virally.


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






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Book Cover

Break the ice with a sledgehammer: place this book on your coffee table.

This book features 150 annotated images, designed to force brainwashed Americans to confront the fact that drug prohibition is wrong. Here is what author Richard Parrish II says of the book's compiler: "The drug prohibition philosopher provides first-hand, principled, persuasive, and insightful arguments against the current drug prohibition regime..."

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Book Cover

Drama lovers: collect full-cast recordings of classic plays

In my spare time, when I am not shaming drug warriors for their heartless drug policies, I create full-cast recordings of classic plays using the latest in synthetic voices licensed by the Natural Reader company. Snag your copy of my production of Volpone, by Ben Jonson... and follow me on Payhip for more where that came from, including classics like The Post Office, The Double Dealer and The Inspector General. -- Yours in all-too-justified outrage, the Drug War Philosopher @ abolishthedea.com.

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Unless otherwise indicated, no AI is used in the creation of site content. These essays represent the original ideas of their author and not the ideas that the author SHOULD have based on an algorithmic parsing of existing data. For more on this subject, consider the AI-related viewpoints to which the author subscribes as delineated in the New York Times opinion piece entitled "What 370,000 College Essays Tell Us About A.I.’s Effects on Creativity" by Rebecca Winthrop of the Brookings Institution.

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Copyright 2026, Brian Ballard Quass Contact: quass@quass.com

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