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Campfire Stories about America's Drug War

live from Lake Rights-Be-Gone

by Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher


December 30, 2019

OUNSELOR RICK: Kids, gather around, I have a good horror story for you.

KIDS: Oooh!

COUNSELOR RICK: That's right, ears in the full upright position. This one's downright eerie.

Now then, once upon a time, there were these godsend plants that could help people get over depression and conquer loneliness.

ANTOINE: THAT'S not scary!

COUNSELOR RICK: Oh, just you wait, Antoine. See, these plants grew all around us, they were our natural birthright as Earthlings, but then these bigoted people known as "Drug Warriors" decided that these plants were somehow evil.

SALLY: That's silly, Counselor Rick. Plant medicines can't be evil, only people can be evil.

ANTOINE: That's right. Medicines can be good OR bad: it all depends on how they're used.

COUNSELOR RICK: You know that, kids, and I know that, but these people were... well, how should I put this...?

ANTOINE: Dumb as crap?

COUNSELOR RICK: Well, let's just say they were superstitious.

SALLY: Sounds like they were regular cretins to me.

COUNSELOR RICK: Now, now, Sally, be nice.

ANTOINE: Counselor Rick! Counselor Rick!

COUNSELOR RICK: Yes, ANTOINE?

ANTOINE: I think I've heard this one before.

COUNSELOR RICK: Oh, really?

ANTOINE: Oh, yeah, you're talking about that science-fiction story called "Fahrenheit 452," where the government burns plants in order to stop citizens from improving their mental focus and expanding their minds!

COUNSELOR RICK: Antoine shoots and scores!

SALLY: Ooh, Counselor Rick, I don't want to hear that story. It scares me.

ANTOINE: Me too, Counselor Rick. Just imagine a government that is so evil that it bars its own citizens from accessing the plants and fungi that grow at their very feet. I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight just thinking about it!

COUNSELOR SUE: Now you've done it, Rick, the kids are all going to have nightmares about DEA fascists kicking down their doors in order to rob them of naturally occurring godsends.

COUNSELOR RICK: Relax, kids. We're living in the 22nd century, remember? The DEA was abolished over a hundred years ago.

[kids crying]

COUNSELOR SUE: Rick, exactly how long have you been a camp counselor?

COUNSELOR RICK: Sorry, Sue. I guess I forgot just how scary the old Drug War days really were.


COUNSELOR SUE: You think?


COUNSELOR RICK: Well, it could have been worse.

COUNSELOR SUE: How's that, Rick?

COUNSELOR RICK: I could have told them about the bad old days when all the big corporations forced employees to undergo the indignity of drug testing without any probable cause, all in order to enforce the government's Sharia against the use of naturally occurring substances.

COUNSELOR SUE: Brrr! Now that really IS scary!

COUNSELOR RICK: I know, right?

COUNSELOR SUE: Thanks for bringing that up, Rick. Now I too won't be able to get to sleep tonight!

COUNSELOR RICK: That is pretty lame indeed, the government essentially forcing people to become Christian Scientists when it comes to psychological healing.

COUNSELOR SUE: You're not helping matters, Rick.



What Have We Learned?



Select the appropriate takeaway message from the above admittedly charming satire.


  1. Some plants are just plain bad and kids should be taught that from the git-go!

  2. Submitting to a drug test is a patriotic responsibility.

  3. The therapeutic needs of the suffering must be ignored so that we can carry on a full-scale Drug War. Grrr! (This answer recommended by the National Association of Prison Guards)

  4. Plant medicines can be good or bad, depending on their specific use.



  5. Answer: That's right, kids, the answer is 4: "Plant medicines can be good or bad, depending on their specific use." Unfortunately you'll never learn this from the Drug Warriors, whose patronizing MO is to insist that plant substances are bad in and of themselves. That's why we have no godsend medicines today for depression and other psychological maladies: because the unscientific Drug Warriors believe that plants are bad without regard to how they're used... which is a fib, kids, okay? And you can tell those typically Caucasian anti-scientific so-and-so's that I said so, too! Humph!

    Comedy







    The drug war is laughable -- or it would be if the drug warriors hadn't deprived us of laughing gas, the substance that William James himself used to study alternate realities. (Gee, thanks, folks, for censoring academia. Don't worry, though, I'm not going to call you prohibitionists 'fascist bastards' on THAT account. Mom just didn't raise me like that.)_

  6. A Dope Comedy Routine About Drugs
  7. A Drug Warrior in our Midst
  8. A Misguided Tour of Monticello
  9. American City Homicide Awards 2021
  10. Blowing Up Arkansas
  11. Campfire Stories about America's Drug War
  12. Comedian Adderall Zoloft Riffs on the Drug War
  13. COPS PRESENTS the top 10 traffic stops of 2023
  14. Dragnet meets the Drug War
  15. Drug War Comedy Routine
  16. Drug War Copaganda
  17. Drug War Jeopardy!
  18. Drug War: the Musical!
  19. Funny Animated Gifs about America's imperialist and racist Drug War
  20. One of these things is not like the other
  21. Plants Divine, All Plants Excelling
  22. Public Service Announcements for the Post-Drug War Era
  23. Rat Out Your Neighbors
  24. The DEA: Poisoning Americans since 1973
  25. The Drug War Board Game
  26. The Joy of Drug Testing
  27. Thought Crimes Blotter





  28. computer screen with words DRUG WAR BLOG


    Next essay: Hypocritical America Embraces Drug War Fascism
    Previous essay: Depressed? Here's why.

    More Essays Here




    Some Tweets against the hateful war on drugs

    Materialist scientists are drug war collaborators. They are more than happy to have their fight against idealism rigged by drug law, which outlaws precisely those substances whose use serves to cast their materialism into question.
    If any master's candidates are looking for a thesis topic, consider the following: "The Drug War versus Religion: how the policy of substance prohibition outlaws the attainment of spiritual states described by William James in 'The Varieties of Religious Experience.'"
    Scientists are responsible for endless incarcerations in America. Why? Because they fail to denounce the DEA lie that psychoactive substances have no positive medical uses. This is so obviously wrong that only an academic in an Ivory Tower could believe it.
    When scientists refuse to report positive uses for drugs, they are not motivated by power lust, they are motivated by philosophical (non-empirical) notions about what counts as "the good life." This is why it's wrong to say that the drug war is JUST about power.
    Prohibition turned habituation into addiction by creating a wide variety of problems for users, including potential arrest, tainted or absent drug supply, and extreme stigmatization.
    The search for SSRIs has always been based on a flawed materialist premise that human consciousness is nothing but a mix of brain chemicals and so depression can be treated medically like any other physical condition.
    We need a scheduling system for psychoactive drugs as much as we need a scheduling system for sports activities: i.e. NOT AT ALL. Some sports are VERY dangerous, but we do not outlaw them because we know that there are benefits both to sports and to freedom in general.
    If I want to use the kind of drugs that have inspired entire religions, fight depression, or follow up on the research of William James into altered states, I should not have to live in fear of the DEA crashing down my door and shouting: "GO! GO! GO!"
    I could tell my psychiatrist EXACTLY what would "cure" my depression, even without getting addicted, but everything involved is illegal. It has to be. Otherwise I would have no need of the psychiatrist.
    Until we legalize ALL psychoactive drugs, there will be no such thing as an addiction expert. In the meantime, it's insulting to be told by neuroscience that I'm an addictive type. It's pathologizing my just indignation at psychiatry's niggardly pharmacopoeia.
    More Tweets






    front cover of Drug War Comic Book

    Buy the Drug War Comic Book by the Drug War Philosopher Brian Quass, featuring 150 hilarious op-ed pics about America's disgraceful war on Americans



    You have been reading an article entitled, Campfire Stories about America's Drug War: live from Lake Rights-Be-Gone, published on December 30, 2019 on AbolishTheDEA.com. For more information about America's disgraceful drug war, which is anti-patient, anti-minority, anti-scientific, anti-mother nature, imperialistic, the establishment of the Christian Science religion, a violation of the natural law upon which America was founded, and a childish and counterproductive way of looking at the world, one which causes all of the problems that it purports to solve, and then some, visit the drug war philosopher, at abolishTheDEA.com. (philosopher's bio; go to top of this page)