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A Dope Comedy Routine About Drugs

by Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

November 5, 2023



Enjoy this satirical sendup of America's laughable attitude toward drugs. (Click the audio link above!)


MOTHER: Where are you off to so fast, sweetie?

SON: There's a Dare rally at the Capitol. I'm going down there to just say no to drugs.

MOTHER: Did you remember to take your meds?

SON: Yes, Mom. I popped the whole batch of them on my way through the kitchen.

MOTHER: Careful, dear. You're going to spill that Red Bull you're holding.

SON: Oh, I almost forgot. I was hoping to pick up some bush beer for Dad's upcoming party on my way back. Can you spot me a 20?


A four-panel comic strip. PANEL 1: the cartoon title, That Nutty Drug War! PANEL 2: Son: 'I'm on my way to the Just Say No Rally' PANEL 3: Mom: 'Did you remember to take your meds?' PANEL 4: Son: 'Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me!'
Americans claim to hate drugs, and yet 1 in 4 American women are dependent on Big Pharma drugs for life, and we consider them to be good patients!




MOTHER: Only if you'll pick up a box of Virginia Slims for me.

SON: In that case, you better give me your credit card. I don't think it's safe for me to carry all that money around at night.

MOTHER: Here you are, you dope.

SON: Dope? Dope? I just say no to dope, remember?

MOTHER: Touché. Oh, and congratulations, Joey.

SON: For what, Mom?

MOTHER: I heard you passed your urine test to work at the local ABC store.

SON: What can I say? Jesus himself could not have had more impeccable urine than yours truly.

MOTHER: I'm proud of you, Joey.

SON: Oh, stop it, Mom.

MOTHER: Now, have a good time at the Dare rally.

SON: I just hope I don't run into Derek.

MOTHER: Why don't you want to see Derek? I thought he was your best drug-free friend.

SON: He is, but...

MOTHER: What?

SON: He and I had a falling out about American drug policy.

MOTHER: Really? What happened?

SON: Well, he agrees with Los Angeles Police Chief Darryl Gates that drug users should be taken out and shot.

MOTHER: Sounds like a reasonable point of view to me.

SON: Whereas I think William Bennett had the right idea when he said that drug users should be beheaded instead.

MOTHER: Well now, I think that's a topic upon which reasonable people can disagree.

SON: I'm off.

MOTHER: Oh, and we're all out of coffee. And Tylenol now that I think of it.

SON: Mom.

MOTHER: Oh, and if the pharmacy is still open, your sister needs her pills for depression, anxiety, and ADHD.

SON: I tell you what, Mom. Why don't I just bring back the entire store?

MOTHER: Don't be such a dope.

SON: Dope? Dope.

MOTHER: I know, I know. You don't do dope.








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Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




Even if the FDA approved MDMA today, it would only be available for folks specifically pronounced to have PTSD by materialist doctors, as if all other emotional issues are different problems and have to be studied separately. That's just ideological foot-dragging.

Pundits have been sniffing about the "smell" of Detroit lately. Sounds racist -- especially since such comments tend to come from drug warriors, the guys who ruined Detroit in the first place (you know, with drug laws that incentivized profit-seeking violence as a means of escaping poverty).

The massive use of plea deals lets prosecutors threaten drug suspects into giving up their rights to a fair trial.

Psst! Drug use has benefits too. Pass it on!

I have nothing against science, BTW (altho' I might feel differently after a nuclear war!) I just want scientists to "stay in their lane" and stop pretending to be experts on my own personal mood and consciousness.

Drug prohibition has resulted in hundreds of thousands of completely unnecessary deaths thanks to totally preventable drug overdoses!

The International Observer says the "core issues" causing Mexican drug violence are: "corruption, inequality, and the demand for narcotics in the U.S." Wrong, wrong, wrong. The core issue is DRUG PROHIBITION.

It is a crime against humanity to withhold cocaine from the depressed and those with impaired cognition.

Problem 2,643 of the war on drugs: It puts the government in charge of deciding what counts as a true religion.

Most substance withdrawal would be EASY if drugs were re-legalized and we could use any substance we wanted to mitigate negative psychological effects.


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Unless otherwise indicated, no AI is used in the creation of site content. These essays represent the original ideas of their author and not the ideas that the author SHOULD have based on an algorithmic parsing of existing data. For more on this subject, consider the AI-related viewpoints to which the author subscribes as delineated in the New York Times opinion piece entitled "What 370,000 College Essays Tell Us About A.I.’s Effects on Creativity" by Rebecca Winthrop of the Brookings Institution.

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Copyright 2026, Brian Ballard Quass Contact: quass@quass.com

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