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A Dope Comedy Routine About Drugs

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

November 5, 2023



Enjoy this satirical sendup of America's laughable attitude toward drugs. (Click the audio link above!)


MOTHER: Where are you off to so fast, sweetie?

SON: There's a Dare rally at the Capitol. I'm going down there to just say no to drugs.

MOTHER: Did you remember to take your meds?

SON: Yes, Mom. I popped the whole batch of them on my way through the kitchen.

MOTHER: Careful, dear. You're going to spill that Red Bull you're holding.

SON: Oh, I almost forgot. I was hoping to pick up some bush beer for Dad's upcoming party on my way back. Can you spot me a 20?


A four-panel comic strip. PANEL 1: the cartoon title, That Nutty Drug War! PANEL 2: Son: 'I'm on my way to the Just Say No Rally' PANEL 3: Mom: 'Did you remember to take your meds?' PANEL 4: Son: 'Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me!'
Americans claim to hate drugs, and yet 1 in 4 American women are dependent on Big Pharma drugs for life, and we consider them to be good patients!




MOTHER: Only if you'll pick up a box of Virginia Slims for me.

SON: In that case, you better give me your credit card. I don't think it's safe for me to carry all that money around at night.

MOTHER: Here you are, you dope.

SON: Dope? Dope? I just say no to dope, remember?

MOTHER: Touché. Oh, and congratulations, Joey.

SON: For what, Mom?

MOTHER: I heard you passed your urine test to work at the local ABC store.

SON: What can I say? Jesus himself could not have had more impeccable urine than yours truly.

MOTHER: I'm proud of you, Joey.

SON: Oh, stop it, Mom.

MOTHER: Now, have a good time at the Dare rally.

SON: I just hope I don't run into Derek.

MOTHER: Why don't you want to see Derek? I thought he was your best drug-free friend.

SON: He is, but...

MOTHER: What?

SON: He and I had a falling out about American drug policy.

MOTHER: Really? What happened?

SON: Well, he agrees with Los Angeles Police Chief Darryl Gates that drug users should be taken out and shot.

MOTHER: Sounds like a reasonable point of view to me.

SON: Whereas I think William Bennett had the right idea when he said that drug users should be beheaded instead.

MOTHER: Well now, I think that's a topic upon which reasonable people can disagree.

SON: I'm off.

MOTHER: Oh, and we're all out of coffee. And Tylenol now that I think of it.

SON: Mom.

MOTHER: Oh, and if the pharmacy is still open, your sister needs her pills for depression, anxiety, and ADHD.

SON: I tell you what, Mom. Why don't I just bring back the entire store?

MOTHER: Don't be such a dope.

SON: Dope? Dope.

MOTHER: I know, I know. You don't do dope.








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Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




Drug prohibition is a crime against humanity.

Today's drug laws tell us that we must respect the historical use of sacred medicines, while denying us our personal right to use them unless our ancestors did so. That's a meta-injustice! It negatively affects the way that we are allowed to experience our world!

I'm looking for a United Healthcare doctor now that I'm 66 years old. When I searched my zip code and typed "alternative medicine," I got one single solitary return... for a chiropractor, no less. Some choice. Guess everyone else wants me to "keep taking my meds."

"Dope Sick"? "Prohibition Sick" is more like it. The very term "dope" connotes imperialism, racism and xenophobia, given that all tribal cultures have used "drugs" for various purposes. "Dope? Junk?" It's hard to imagine a more intolerant, dismissive and judgmental terminology.

Musk vies with his fellow materialists in his attempt to diss humans as insignificant. But we are not insignificant. The very term "insignificant" is a human creation. Consciousness rules. Indeed, consciousness makes the rules. Without us, there would only be inchoate particles.

Your drug war has caused the disappearance of over 60,000 Mexicans over the last 20 years. It has turned inner cities into shooting galleries. It has turned America into a penal colony. It has destroyed the 4th amendment and put bureaucrats in charge of deciding if our religions are "sincere."

Chesterton might as well have been speaking about the word 'addiction' when he wrote the following: "It is useless to have exact figures if they are exact figures about an inexact phrase."

It's just plain totalitarian nonsense to outlaw mother nature and to outlaw moods and mental states thru drug law. These truths can't be said enough by us "little people" because the people in power are simply not saying them.

Richard Evans Schultes seems to have originated the harebrained idea (since used by the US Supreme Court to suppress new religions) that you have no right to use drugs in a religious ritual if you did not grow up in a society that had such practices. What tyrannical idiocy!

In a free future, newspapers will have philosophers on their staffs to ensure that said papers are not inciting consequence-riddled hysteria through a biased coverage of drug-related mishaps.


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






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Book Cover

Break the ice with a sledgehammer: place this book on your coffee table.

This book features 150 annotated images, designed to force brainwashed Americans to confront the fact that drug prohibition is wrong. Here is what author Richard Parrish II says of the book's compiler: "The drug prohibition philosopher provides first-hand, principled, persuasive, and insightful arguments against the current drug prohibition regime..."

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Book Cover

Diary of a Drug Fiend

This is the only full-cast recording of Aleister Crowley's 1922 classic paeon to common sense. It is the first book -- and so far almost the only book -- to stake out a philosophy of drug use that is compatible with human freedom, one in which we learn to use drugs as wisely as possible for the benefit of humanity. This recording was produced by the Drug War Philosopher and your purchases help support his effort to push back against the tragically counterproductive policy of drug prohibition, in the name of human freedom and of humanity's right to heal.

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Unless otherwise indicated, no AI is used in the creation of site content. These essays represent the original ideas of their author and not the ideas that the author SHOULD have based on an algorithmic parsing of existing data. For more on this subject, consider the AI-related viewpoints to which the author subscribes as delineated in the New York Times opinion piece entitled "What 370,000 College Essays Tell Us About A.I.’s Effects on Creativity" by Rebecca Winthrop of the Brookings Institution.

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Copyright 2026, Brian Ballard Quass Contact: quass@quass.com

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