a brief comedy sketch in protest of America's hateful policy of drug prohibition
by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher
August 29, 2025
Live from the DEA Lounge, we present Johnny O'Clonapan.
What's up, Philly?
How many people want to end gun violence in the City of Brotherly Love?
[applause]
Let's see, I think that's unanimous.
And now, how many people realize that it was drug prohibition which brought gun violence to Philadelphia in the first place?
[crickets chirping]
I was afraid of that.
Now then, let's try this again.
How many people want to restore our inner cities?
[applause]
How many want to restore the rule of law in Latin America?
[applause]
How many want to end the mass arrest of minorities?
[applause]
How many want to end drug prohibition which causes all of these problems in the first place?
[cricket chirping]
I was afraid of that too!
Comedy
The Drug War is laughable -- or it would be if the Drug Warriors hadn't deprived us of laughing gas, the substance that William James himself used to study alternate realities.
His answer to political opposition is: "Lock them up!" That's Nazi speak, not American democracy.
"Abuse" is a funny term because it implies that there's a right way to use "drugs," which is something that the drug warriors deny. To the contrary, they make the anti-scientific claim that "drugs" are not good for anybody for any reason at any dose.
Prohibition is a crime against humanity. It forces us to use shock therapy on the severely depressed since we've outlawed all viable alternatives. It denies medicines that could combat Alzheimer's and/or render it psychologically bearable.
How would we even KNOW that outlawed drugs have no positive uses? We first have to incorporate them in a sane, empathic and creative way to find that out, and the drug war makes such a sensible approach absolutely impossible.
Magazines like Psychology Today continue to publish feel-good articles about depression which completely ignore the fact that we have outlawed all drugs that could end depression in a heartbeat.
The real value of Erowid is as a research tool for a profession that does not even exist yet: the profession of what I call the pharmacologically savvy empath: a compassionate life counselor with a wide knowledge of how drugs can (and have) been used by actual people.
When Rick Strassman and Michael Pollan call for continued prohibition to protect young people, they ignore the ENORMOUS fact that prohibition has destroyed inner cities around the world. Wake up, guys! Prohibition is evil, not drugs! Ignorance is evil, not education!
When scientists refuse to report positive uses for drugs, they are not motivated by power lust, they are motivated by philosophical (non-empirical) notions about what counts as "the good life." This is why it's wrong to say that the drug war is JUST about power.
"In consciousness dwells the wondrous, with it man attains the realm beyond the material, and the peyote tells us where to find it." --Antonin Arnaud
"Just ONE HORSE took the life of my daughter." This message brought to you by the Partnership for a Death Free America.
His answer to political opposition is: "Lock them up!" That's Nazi speak, not American democracy.