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Rat Out Your Neighbors

brought to you by America's DEA

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

November 6, 2022



ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Welcome to Rat Out Your Neighbors. I'm DEA field agent Adderall Zoloft, joined today in Washington by bureau chief Paxil Buspar. How are you today, Paxil?

PAXIL BUSPAR: I'm drug free, Adderall. How about you?

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Drug free and proud of it.

PAXIL BUSPAR: I've made some coffee. Help yourself.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Fantastic!

Wait, aren't you having any?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Are you kidding me? I'm already buzzing like a top, thanks to these Red Bull Colas I've been throwing back all morning.

Oh, pardon me.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Sounds like an angel just got his wings.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Or a DEA agent just got his first M-4 assault rifle.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Primed and loaded, baby.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Kicking down America's doors since 1973.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Let's go straight to the phones now. The number, as always, is 1 800-RAT-BAIT. That's 1 800-RAT-BAIT. Call right now to rat out your friends and loved ones for using substances of which our government disapproves.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Wow, that was fast. Looks like we've got a caller already.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Hello there. You are on Rat Out Your Neighbors. Who are the scumbags that you would like to report?


CALLER: Yes, I'd like to report my creative writing teacher at college.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: I see. And what evil substance have you seen them using? I'm guessing coca or pot, right?

CALLER: Worse yet. It's opium .

PAXIL BUSPAR: Ex-squeeze me?


ADDERALL ZOLOFT: What? You mean they're using the substance whose name must not be spoken?

CALLER: Well, I haven't yet actually caught them in the act of using opium yet, but...

PAXIL BUSPAR: Please, don't use that word.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Yes, caller. You see, here at the DEA, we call it "the substance whose name must not be spoken."

CALLER: But he keeps going on about how opium can be used wisely to engender creativity.

PAXIL BUSPAR: What?

CALLER: And telling us how the stories of Poe and Lovecraft, for instance, are full of so-called opiate imagery.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: And what imagery would that be, exactly?

CALLER: You know, like in the short story "Celaphais" by HP Lovecraft, in which the protagonist, and I quote, wanders through...


"the spectral summer of narcotic flowers and humid seas of foliage that bring wild and many-coloured dreams."



PAXIL BUSPAR: Blasphemy.

CALLER: I know, right?


PAXIL BUSPAR: But I'm afraid that you really have to catch this professor with the goodies before we can kick down his door and scare his children and elderly grandmother to death.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: I feel for you, caller, but it's not yet quite illegal to speak about positive uses of evil substances like... like... you know what.

CALLER: You mean like opium 1 ?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Stop saying that word!

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Yes, caller, like the substance whose name must not be spoken.

CALLER: Sorry about that.

PAXIL BUSPAR: It's all good. Just keep an eye on this professor of yours and maybe even record his classes for us.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Yeah, then send us the tape when he incriminates himself.

CALLER: But isn't that illegal?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Illegal? That's a good one.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: You're talking to the DEA, caller. Where there's a will, there's a way, right?

PAXIL BUSPAR: Yeah, haven't you seen those movies 2 3 like "Running with the Devil," where we hang suspects from meat hooks and shoot them in cold blood at point-blank range?

CALLER: Oh, right.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: That's why we're overseen by a drug czar, baby, so that everyone will know that we're going to play fast and loose with the U.S. constitution.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Because we're bad, we're bad, shamon, shamon!

CALLER: Do what?

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: And we're also out of time.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Oh, dear.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: But join us next time for Rat Out Your Neighbors.

PAXIL BUSPAR: Brought to you by America's DEA.

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: Who reminds you to just say no...

ADDERALL AND PAXIL: Just say no...

ADDERALL ZOLOFT: ...to all of Mother Nature's godsend medicines. Now, come on, Paxil. Let's take them out of here.

ADDERALL AND PAXIL: Because we're bad, we're bad, shamon, shamon!











Notes for essay entitled Rat Out Your Neighbors: brought to you by America's DEA:

1: The Truth About Opium by William H. Brereton DWP (up)
2: Glenn Close but no cigar DWP (up)
3: Running with the torture loving DEA DWP (up)




read more essays here





Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




The fact that some drugs can be addictive is no reason to outlaw drugs. It is a reason to teach safe use and to publicize all the ways that smart people have found to avoid unwanted pharmacological dependency -- and a reason to use drugs to fight drugs.

Prohibitionists will me that we're all children when it comes to drugs, and can never -- but never -- use them wisely. That's like saying that we could never ride horses wisely. Or mountain climb. Or skateboard.

After over a hundred years of prohibition, America has developed a kind of faux science in which despised substances are completely ignored. This is why Sci Am is making a new argument for shock therapy in 2023, because they ignore all the stuff that OBVIOUSLY cheers one up.

Rather than protesting prohibition as a crackdown on academic freedom, today's scientists are collaborating with the drug war by promoting shock therapy and SSRIs, thereby profiting from the monopoly that the drug war gives them in selling mind and mood medicine.

Scientists cannot tell us if using drugs is worth the risk any more than they can tell us if free climbing is worth the risk, or horseback riding or parkour.

Videos about science and psilocybin are funny. They show nerds trying to catch up with common sense.

Just think how much money bar owners in the Old West would have saved on restoration expenses if they had served MDMA instead of whiskey.

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." -- Groucho Marx

When Rick Strassman and Michael Pollan call for continued prohibition to protect young people, they ignore the ENORMOUS fact that prohibition has destroyed inner cities around the world. Wake up, guys! Prohibition is evil, not drugs! Ignorance is evil, not education!

Even when laudanum was legal in the UK, pharmacists were serving as moral adjudicators, deciding for whom they should fill such prescriptions. That's not a pharmacist's role. We need an ABC-like set-up in which the cashier does not pry into my motives for buying a substance.


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






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Book Cover

Break the ice with a sledgehammer: place this book on your coffee table.

This book features 150 annotated images, designed to force brainwashed Americans to confront the fact that drug prohibition is wrong. Here is what author Richard Parrish II says of the book's compiler: "The drug prohibition philosopher provides first-hand, principled, persuasive, and insightful arguments against the current drug prohibition regime..."

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Book Cover

Diary of a Drug Fiend

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Unless otherwise indicated, no AI is used in the creation of site content. These essays represent the original ideas of their author and not the ideas that the author SHOULD have based on an algorithmic parsing of existing data. For more on this subject, consider the AI-related viewpoints to which the author subscribes as delineated in the New York Times opinion piece entitled "What 370,000 College Essays Tell Us About A.I.’s Effects on Creativity" by Rebecca Winthrop of the Brookings Institution.

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