Homepage of the Drug War Philosopher, Brian Quass
blog icon orange rss icon with stylized radio waves bird icon for twitter bird icon for twitter substack icon


back navigation arrow forward navigation arrow


The Joy of Drug Testing

by Brian Ballard Quass, the Drug War Philosopher

April 17, 2020



They used to laugh at him, said he'd never be a stand-up comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. Give it up, please, gang, for Johnny O'Clonapan.

[applaud]

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that my cue?

[laughter]

That's far too subtle for me to pick up on.

[drum]

[laughter]

Thanks for coming out. I should warn you, however, that there will be a drug test at the end of my gig.

[gasp]

So pay attention.

[laughter]

Of course, I myself have already taken a drug test before coming on tonight.

WOMAN: Uh-huh.

^{This is the DEA Lounge, after all, where you're judged not by the color of your skin, but by the contents of your digestive system.}{

[drum]

[laughter]

I'm happy to say that I passed the drug test with flying colors.

[applaud]

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, my government would be so proud of me.

CROWD: Awww!

The drug-testing lab didn't find so much as one single naturally occurring godsend in my system.

ANGELS: Praise God!

That's good because according to Christian Science Sharia, I am not allowed to work in America if I use plant medicine to improve my psychological condition.

Sounds like we have some Drug War heretics in the house.

MAN: Yeah.

Speaking of which, it's a good thing that Freud got his psychotherapeutic work out of the way before America's Drug War began. Otherwise, he'd be smoking his trademark cigars in the San Quentin prison yard.

[laughter]

Freud would be like:

FREUD: Yo, homie. You're in this joint because you had a bad relationship with your father. Wanna talk about it?

And the homeboy would be like:

HOMEBOY: Do you want me to bust your head, yo?

[laughter]

Listen to this here cokehead, talkin' about my father? That [bleep] is whack, yo.

And then there's Ben Franklin, who used to liberally avail himself of opium 1 . Just think: If he had lived in the age of the Drug War, he would have been a mere unemployed scumbag. Benjamin Franklin would be panhandling on the street, talking about:

FRANKLIN: Hey, dude, I just invented a lightning rod.

And the guy on the street would be like:

GUY: And you know where you can PUT that lightning rod, you damn junkie.

[laughter]

Here's an idea for a Drug War: Let's criminalize tobacco and alcohol and throw everyone in jail who partakes of them. That's a Drug War that I could get behind because it would give the hypocritical Drug Warriors a taste of their own medicine.

[applaud]

We'll have drug tests, too, and anyone who has drank or smoked within the last three weeks won't be able to get so much as a job at Taco Bell.

[laughter]

I was about to say you've been a great audience, but I really won't know that until I've learned what you guys have got in your respective digestive systems.

[gasp]

So let's take a short break while you all provide urine samples to our lab technicians.

[boo]

What's the matter? Are you guys anti-American or something? ^{Drug testing is as American as... as... as invading other countries to burn plants that other cultures have been using responsibly for thousands of years.}{

[boo]

You do realize that this is the DEA Lounge, right? I'm sure that the powers that be are taking note of your anti-American reaction to my drug-testing proposal.

MAN: Uh-oh.

Uh-oh is right. Is there not one patriot in the house who is willing to take a patriotic piss for America?

[crickets chirping]

I'll take that as a no... as well as a sign that this lounge has a serious insect problem.

[drum]

[laughter]

I'm going to be generous, though. On behalf of the United States government, I'm going to allow you to continue seeking gainful employment in the United States despite your failure to take my drug test.

[applaud]

Aren't I magnanimous?

WOMAN: Ah, yes.

Just remember: if you ever happen to ingest a natural substance that promotes happiness or motivation and provides you with psychological insight, chances are you are in violation of American Sharia.

WOMAN: Ah!

So, spit that substance out at once.

[spits]

WOMAN 2: Disgusting!

And kindly report yourself to the nearest DEA office.

MAN, siren wailing: Clear the way, folks: drug scumbag coming through!

[tires squeal] [brake engages] [car door opens & closes] [feet walking on gravel] [knock on door] [door creaks open]

FEMALE AGENT: Welcome to the DEA! [agent cackling]

They will then handle all the pesky details of ruining your life by consigning you to the nearest massively overcrowded penitentiary.

[cell door clangs]

FEMALE AGENT: Sleep tight! [agent cackling]

[laughter]

You've been a great audience... as far as I can tell. You sure you're not gonna piss for me?

[boo]

OK, relax. There's no harm in asking. That's a shame, though, because I paid a pretty penny to have these lab technicians come along.

CROWD: Awww!

I guess they'll just have to go back to their labs to continue removing marijuana users from the American workforce.

[boo]

They must be real proud of themselves. NOT!

[laughter]

EMCEE: Let's hear it for Johnny O'Clonapan!

[applaud]












Notes for essay entitled The Joy of Drug Testing:

1: The Truth About Opium by William H. Brereton DWP (up)




read more essays here





Ten Tweets

against the hateful war on US




Hollywood presents cocaine as a drug of killers. In reality, strategic cocaine use by an educated person can lead to great mental power, especially as just one part of a pharmacologically balanced diet.

The Drug War is one big entrapment scheme for poor minorities. Prohibition creates an economy that hugely incentivizes drug dealing, and when the poor fall for the bait, the prohibitionists rush in to arrest them and remove them from the voting rolls.

The DEA conceives of "drugs" as only justifiable in some time-honored ritual format, but since when are bureaucrats experts on religion? I believe, with the Vedic people and William James, in the importance of altered states. To outlaw such states is to outlaw my religion.

Google founders used to enthuse about the power of free speech, but Google is actively shutting down videos that tell us how to grow mushrooms -- MUSHROOMS, for God's sake. End the drug war and this hateful censorship of a free people.

The media called out Trump for fearmongering about immigrants, but the media engages in fearmongering when it comes to drugs. The latest TV plot line: "white teenage girl forced to use fentanyl!" America loves to feel morally superior about "drugs."

"The Oprah Winfrey Fallacy": the idea that a statistically insignificant number of cases constitutes a crisis, provided ONLY that the villain of the piece is something that racist politicians have demonized as a "drug."

Wanna show drug warriors the error of their ways? Legalize all less dangerous drugs than alcohol and then deny work to those who test positive for liquor and confiscate their property if beer cans are found on-site.

Most enemies of inner-city gun violence refuse to protest against the drug prohibition which caused the violence in the first place.

If Americans cannot handle the truth about drugs, then there is something wrong with Americans, not with drugs.

I can think of no greater intrusion than to deny a person autonomy over how they think and feel in life. It is sort of a meta-intrusion, the mother of all anti-democratic intrusions.


Click here to see All Tweets against the hateful War on Us






back navigation arrow forward navigation arrow
Book Cover

Break the ice with a sledgehammer: place this book on your coffee table.

This book features 150 annotated images, designed to force brainwashed Americans to confront the fact that drug prohibition is wrong. Here is what author Richard Parrish II says of the book's compiler: "The drug prohibition philosopher provides first-hand, principled, persuasive, and insightful arguments against the current drug prohibition regime..."

Purchase Your Copy
Book Cover

Diary of a Drug Fiend

This is the only full-cast recording of Aleister Crowley's 1922 classic paeon to common sense. It is the first book -- and so far almost the only book -- to stake out a philosophy of drug use that is compatible with human freedom, one in which we learn to use drugs as wisely as possible for the benefit of humanity. This recording was produced by the Drug War Philosopher and your purchases help support his effort to push back against the tragically counterproductive policy of drug prohibition, in the name of human freedom and of humanity's right to heal.

Purchase Your Copy



No cookies, no ads paid for by amoral and immoral billionaires (or trillionaires).


Unless otherwise indicated, no AI is used in the creation of site content. These essays represent the original ideas of their author and not the ideas that the author SHOULD have based on an algorithmic parsing of existing data. For more on this subject, consider the AI-related viewpoints to which the author subscribes as delineated in the New York Times opinion piece entitled "What 370,000 College Essays Tell Us About A.I.’s Effects on Creativity" by Rebecca Winthrop of the Brookings Institution.

The Partnership for a Death Free America is a proud sponsor of The Drug War Philosopher website @ abolishthedea.com.


Copyright 2026, Brian Ballard Quass Contact: quass@quass.com

tombstone for American Democracy, 1776-2024, RIP (up)